I’m Just Angry
I’ve read the new MurderBot book three times now. Yes, it just came out last week. And that same week, I took my first test cuz one too many people randomly said “that’s a really autistic thing to say”.
So now, I’m feeling MurderBots anger at the stupid fucking humans who won’t leave it alone to watch its favorite media. And I’m angry that this whole time, my whole fucking life, there’s been an answer. There was an answer for why gay bars were overwhelming, even though I loved the songs. There was an answer for why my parents said I wasn’t “socially developed like a normal kid”. There was an answer for why it’s so hard for me to let go of people doing things differently when it’s MY SPECIAL INTEREST.
There’s been an answer. There whole fucking time! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
And now, the only thing I have now is this rage that it’s taken me 43 years to finally get the skills I needed, having no idea why I needed to obsess over meditation, a degree in psychology, and decades of being awkward and inappropriate with people so I lost friends and have to keep rebuilding myself. I’ve had to become so many people in so many situations and even did conversion therapy to try and learn how to be “normal”. And now… I was normal the whole time… but just differently normal.
Now what? There’s an answer. And now I just have to accept that it’s always gonna hard? I’ll always be awkward? And now I should stop trying and just accept… I’ll never be enough?
I just hate everyone right now and just wish I could move to a city with queer autistic Latine people so I could finally feel “normal”.
Thanks for listening. MurderBot is awesome by the way. An other opinion is wrong. lol