u/Excellent-Wing-2795

I feel like im constantly thinking. I feel like i am different and weird compared to everyone else around me, even if they are strangers i know nothing about, only way i drop my guard completely ever is if i get a good sense that a person will def not judge me. I feel I feel constantly on edge. like the smallest thing will set my anger ablaze, yet this only happens when i am by myself or i am at home with the people i love. Always trying my best not to side eye the people around me when im trying to mind my own business. Ive gotten so use to thinking about what im saying before i open my mouth that i have no clue how people just openly speak their minds. I wasnt like this 5 years ago. I dont know what exactly is going on. I smoke weed and vape, it haunts me, i live in fear because of it but gets me through my days. 2yrs ago i got a sportbike when i was at my lowest and fell in love, crashed it, almost lost my foot, was bed ridden for 6 months before i went and got another brand new bike. Im not sure exactly why deep down i did that but i think i wanted to prove that didnt break my mental. Although it did because now i have a serious fear of dying as someone who drive a sportbike every single day. I feel like an idiot. I feel broken. I frel crazy. I feel like giving up. If anyone ever bothers to read this far and you are or have gone through similar plz comment because i feel like something is seriously wrong with me. I dont know how she could love me so much. Im not even worthy of my own love. is this allowed?