I messed up badly
I’m basically a porn and masturbation addict. There are times I flee and times I do it but do it more so than flee. But lately I’ve been using spiritual reasons to justify my actions such as Christianity being repressive sexually, me being human etc. At times I’ve straight up lied and used God to masturbate such as talking to him (just to masturbate after my anxiety calmed down and lying with an excuse to do it), asking him to forgive my thoughts while in the act so I could continue without feeling any guilt or tied to any contracts (abusing his forgiveness basically) and I even has used help I seen on here to justify it. But today I did it all again and it’s left me feeling numb, empty, emotionless so to speak. I tried to pray for forgiveness but feel like I’m talking to a ceiling directly in my face. Blocked. I f’ed up and feel like an unrepentant person. I did a prayer before this post asking again for forgiveness and help changing and there’s like a small very small hopeful feeling I have but the other 99% says I’m beyond redemption. Am I really beyond redemption and salvation? I feel the answers simple like “you need to change” but I don’t think changing is enough. I messed up badly and want to fix it