I “beat” retroactive jealousy.
I do think this will be a long post, but hopefully worth a read for anyone out there struggling. I am being very vulnerable here and hope that helps!
I have been free from retroactive jealousy for more than 3 years straight, and I wanted to share my story to show you all that there is hope and it is possible to move on.
I struggled deeply with retroactive jealousy in both of the long-term relationships I’ve been in. My jealousy was a main contributor to the beginning of a very toxic relationship with an ex-boyfriend, and it never went away during our 5 years together. And also when my husband and I were dating and got more serious, those irrational feelings of intense jealousy came up again. I did not have retroactive jealousy with flings or casual dates—only with the people I really fell in love with.
My boyfriends’ pasts, including their sexual experiences and the thought of their feelings for their exes, would haunt me every single hour of every single day. It was a real obsession and I could not escape from my own mind, which made up stories including imagery of sex and love between my partners and their exes. I would cry in the shower. Hysterically break down. I would look up my boyfriends’ exes on social media and constantly refresh to see who they had been dating before me. I would dig into my boyfriends’ past and see what social media posts, pictures, texts, I could find. I obsessed over the number of sexual partners they had and then the number of people they said “I love you” to. It was a never-ending loop of internal torture.
I became toxic with my husband (when he was my boyfriend), and when something random triggered me that spiraled into extremely jealous thoughts, I would act horribly towards him. I knew it was irrational at the time, but I could not help my feelings. I would lash out at him, berate him for his past, and call him names like disgusting or gross. The thoughts would always be there, but the outbursts from me would come in waves. It led to many arguments and voice raising from me. I would switch between being very ashamed and apologetic of my irrationality and then back to the anger and jealousy, lashing out at him again.
Once I realized that my retroactive jealousy had potential to again ruin my relationship and my mental health, I decided to seek out some help. I looked here on reddit, Quora, YouTube - anywhere I could find some help or relief. I even went as far to spend several hundred dollars (I don’t remember the price now) on Zachary Stockill’s “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast” course. I did virtual counseling for several months specifically to address this issue.
I know you’re probably wondering, “OK so what cured you?” The answer to that is, all of it and none of it. Ultimately, doing these things helped me feel less alone and could sometimes help with temporary relief. I probably didn’t have the best counselor online, but eventually came to some conclusions on my own. I do believe my retroactive jealousy stemmed from a place of deep insecurity and distrust of others. There are many personal reasons for that stemmed from childhood, which I won’t go into, but I ultimately think this was the underlying cause.
Once I determined that underlying cause, I started journaling and doing real internal reflection. What was my jealousy really stemming from? Was I worried that my boyfriend would leave me for their ex? Was I worried that he was comparing me to them? What was it specifically that led me down this path?
There wasn’t always a straight answer, but I started to connect the dots and that’s what led to being free. It comes down to this:
First, I must acknowledge that I was lucky enough to have an understanding partner. Thank goodness he was able to forgive me for my negativity during those initial years together and talk it through with me, otherwise he might not be my husband today.
Second, I fully acknowledged that the retroactive jealousy was my issue alone, and not the fault of my partner. These were feelings only I could address and try to move on from. It was not my partner’s responsibility.
Third, I became introspective and tried to find the cause of the jealousy. It was difficult to face some truths about myself, but necessary to forgive myself and try to make improvements that would make my life better overall and not just for my relationship.
Fourth, time. It took a lot of time for me to get over retroactive jealousy. It was not easy. It was not fast. It was a real challenge and I understand how difficult it can be. But if you are determined, doing the work on yourself and improving self image consistently, understanding that you provide value on your own and don’t need to compare yourself to others, and hopefully have an understanding partner — you will be able to move on.
I have never once relapsed in the past 3 years. I have been nervous to test the waters for fear that I would, but I recently had multiple casual conversations with my husband about his past and have not cared at all. In fact, I realized that without those things happening, along with my own past, I wouldn’t be married to him today. For that, I wouldn’t change a thing.
I know this was a long post but I hope it provided someone with some hope for the future.