Hello everyone, sorry for the rambling but I need to know if anyone can relate to this.
Ever since I was a little girl I remember having this sadness that paid me unwelcome visits. I think I was 5 or 6 years old the first time I remember going up to my mother and telling her I don't feel well. At fist she would respond by asking if I feel sick (I said no), she would check if I have a fever (negative), she then asked if someone was rude to me or if something bad happened (negative again). I would tell her I am simply sad and I don't know why. She would tell me to just sit beside her for a while until I feel better.
This pattern repeated itself more times than is normal for any child that age. What could possibly make a 6 year old that depressed in life? Eventually my mother got used to me going up to her and telling her I don't feel well so she would simply ask if I feel sick or if it's my heart. I would tell her it's the latter, followed by sitting next to her until I feel better.
As I got older, this sadness followed me everywhere I went, and I think somewhere along the lines I started following it back. I listen to what most people would classify as sad music, because I find beauty in it and I think the sadness feels familiar and comforting as I have known it my whole life. I don't get close to a lot of people as I can't accommodate superficial relationships/friendships. During my early childhood I had mostly 1 or 2 very close friends, we would spend almost every weekend together, but whenever they invited me for sleepovers I would eventually start to cry because I couldn't be away from my mom for very long, and I'd end up being taken back home in the middle of the night.
Now as an adult, I never really feel like I fit in or connect to anyone. I get extremely nostalgic for the past, and I mostly isolate myself. I feel things deeply and I have this idea in the back of my mind that my whole life I'm searching for something but I don't know what. Like constantly being homesick or mourning something but you don't know what you are mourning. I feel like I was born with this emptiness and nothing seems to fill it. I am drawn to sadness and pain and I have tried to get out of the house more, to tolerate superficial friendships, to change my music taste, but nothing works, I only end up feeling like I am abandoning my truth and who I am and I end up not recognizing myself. Is it just because I am an INFP? Is it normal to feel this way from such a young age?
For the sake of not making this too long - does anyone else struggle with the same emotions? I would really appreciate to read your story.