This is my fourth attempt here with this query letter. I've had a few commenters each time, and the feedback has been very helpful. I feel much better about what I'm doing here. Thanks so much. I have a couple questions at the bottom of the post.
Dear _________________,
Clo is an engineer in The Reset, one of the communities rebuilt following global environmental collapse. A year after her mother was lost at sea, only Clo holds out hope for her return. Then an outsider with limited communication abilities arrives and insists she’s the one who must help find his home.
A voice in her head twists together the two problems. It says, “The stranger has the answers” and “Mom sent him to guide you to her.”
Clo’s friends track her down and urge her to accept the tight-knit community’s support rather than waiting for closure. She knows they’re right. She has been passive. So she’ll leave the safety of waiting and search for the stranger’s home, search for her mother. If she’s wrong, her last grasp at hope risks endangering the stranger who depends on her alone.
THE GOOD LIFE OF THE COAST LIVE OAK (90,000 words) is literary, speculative fiction that spans three centuries and follows four characters searching for hope in the face of loss. It fits on the shelf between Lily Brooks-Dalton’s The Light Pirate and Stephen Markley's The Deluge.
I live in ______________ where I do a lot of utopian daydreaming, a little climate activism, and plenty of writing while riding transit with a family member with limited communication abilities. I have an MFA from ___________ State University.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
____________________________
In addition to any other critiques you might share, please consider the following questions:
- One of the great challenges of writing succinctly for me is that sentences feel disjointed. I slip in small connectives like "so" and "if she's wrong." Do you find any places where those don't work well for your ear or places where there needs to be more transition?
- I want to hint that in the midpoint of the novel, Clo begins to accept her friends' urging to accept help. It's supposed to imply growth. This is why the line about friends urging her is in there, and then the superfluous word "alone" in the last line of the blurb ("her last grasp at hope risks endangering the stranger who depends on her alone") is supposed to give the hint. 1. Does this land for you? 2. If it doesn't land, do you see any harm in it (for example because you read "alone" as unnecessary)?
- Query Shark praises one letter that she says handles a multiple POV story well: "The main part of the letter is in Emily's viewpoint, and we get a strong sense of her voice and character. The writer then did NOT try to do the same thing for each of the other viewpoints, and that restraint is a VERY.Good.Thing. Instead, simply saying there are three POV's and whose they are tells me what I need to know. This should be a template for anyone with multiple POV novels." I only deal with the main protagonist in the query (55% of story words, whereas the others get about 15% each). I don't name the others or give any details about them because I think this is consistent with the Query Shark critique, but in mentioning them, I name a theme. I think Query Shark hated themes, even in the housekeeping section. So, overall, does this seem okay?