Last year, a friend (28F) moved back to my city(33F) during a divorce. We weren’t very close, but I invited her to events to help her get out and reconnect. She quickly integrated into my friend group and started dating someone within the group in the same month of meeting them. As a friend I advised her to take things slow since she just seperated from her husband and she was essentially starting over, but she said wanted the "title".
At the time, she was struggling financially , she had no savings or job lines up or housing. She had been living with one group of friends and was asked to leave, then stayed with another friend and was also asked to leave. She later said she was going to stay with me, but I wasn’t in a position to house her. Initially, I encouraged her to save so I could help with a deposit for her own place but she didn’t, and I ended up covering the full deposit myself.
Even though I was going through major personal life changes at the time, I feel like still showed up for her. I found her an apartment, paid the deposit, helped furnish it, gave her clothes, and supported her with food and other basic needs anytime she called. My parents also helped her. I made it clear I wasn’t expecting immediate repayment and wanted her to focus on getting stable.
What started to bother me was that instead of prioritizing stability, she was spending money on concerts, expensive clothes, Makeovers , Gifts for her boyfriend and other non-essentials. Even skipping out on interviews because she wanted to hang out with her new boyfriend. When I tried to address it, she dismissed my concerns. She would also continue asking me for help even after I said I couldn’t, and then complain in our group chat about not having support, without acknowledging that I had been helping her. It had been 3 months when I started asking about repayment and she would say she couldn't pay my parents anything, but then post a makeover online. So I just decided to take the L and distance myself. Besides at that time she only called to vent about her relationship or if she needed something.
Eventually, she reached out to talk things through and i thought we resolved everything. She did ask if she had permission to hang with our friends which i thought was weird? Because why would i have a say in that. That same night she brought things up publicly in front of our friend group and framed it in a way that made it seem like I was taking advantage of Her. After that, I started hearing from others that she was speaking negatively about me to the friend I introduced her to. I also began to notice a pattern where she framed past living situations as others being unfair to her, while I was hearing a different version, that she struggled with respecting shared spaces and expectations. That contrast made me question her narrative more overall.
Another layer to this is that I work with organizations that provide opportunities in our field. Recently, most of her communication with me has been centered around asking about those opportunities, like specifically asking when I’m working with certain groups. I’ve told her that I share opportunities publicly when they come up, and she hasn’t engaged with those posts. It’s started to feel like she mainly reaches out to me when she thinks I can connect her to something, which adds to the feeling of being used.
Since then, her behavior toward me has been inconsistent, friendly in private, but distant or dismissive depending on who she’s around. She’s also reached out to my close friends outside that friend group individually despite not having prior relationships with them, which feels off. Such as my best friend, partner, organizations I work with, even following people on Instagram as soon as I tag them. While deleting our pictures, posting things about me and blocking me .
At this point, I’ve chosen to distance myself. I didn’t push her to repay me (aside from asking her to prioritize paying my parents back), but I no longer feel comfortable being close to someone who I feel used my support, misrepresented me publicly, and only reaches out when it benefits her.
I may run into her soon, and she tends to confront issues in group settings, which I want to avoid.
Am I wrong for distancing myself? And how should I handle it if she tries to confront me in person? Thank you if you read so far!