و من امي. ليتني مت سبعين مرة قبل لا اقرأ الرسائل

it doesn't exist. i can assure u, it just does not exist. ive been there. checked myself. i unfolded every corner of the room and looked behind the curtain and lifted up the rug and it wasn't there

i looked. i mean i really looked. i spent years building little altars to it in my chest. i waited for it in airports and in hospital hallways and at 3am with the ceiling fan spinning. i held my breath in case it was a thing that only arrives when ur not breathing. i was so good. i was so patient. i was the most patient human alive.

and i wanna tell u smth. i wanna tell u so badly that it's real. i would lie if it helped u. i would build u a little story and tuck it into ur pocket like a sandwich for the road. but it would melt by lunchtime and u would know.

here's what i found instead. the room is empty but the room is warm. somebody warmed it. somebody left the light on. nobody's coming back to claim it but the heat is still there. and that has to mean something, even if it doesn't mean what we wanted.

so no. it doesn't exist. and yes. somehow we're still here. and the kettle is still on. and the cat is still on the windowsill. and someone, somewhere, is still trying to send u a message thru a song they picked at random. and im starting to think maybe the whole point was the looking. maybe the looking is the thing that exists.

idk. i was just thinking. don't tell anyone i told u

tldr: doesnt exist.

"becoming" / aka finding your true self, navigating who you trully are.

is the whole game. like you don't arrive. you don't graduate from yourself and get a little diploma that says "congrats ur a finished person now." that's not a thing. you just keep unlocking lil rooms in the house of you. and every room has more doors. it's doors all the way down

i used to think being "whole" was a destination. like one day i'd wake up and go "ah yes i have collected all the i's. full set. complete pokedex of self." but no. the wholeness IS the unlocking. that warm feeling of "oh THERE i am" it doesn't come from finding the final you. it comes from finding ONE more you. and then another. forever. the "i" is not a treasure. it's a series of doors and you're the doorknob AND the hand AND the little squeak the hinge makes

and like. i'm 23 and i've cried in a parking lot. i've felt my chest cave in over things that don't even have names. i've been so happy i thought my ribs would unzip. i've built things and watched them die. i've watched things i didn't build come alive

and im so grateful. for the ups, sure the obvious ones, the wins. but also for the downs. for the bad weeks. for the silences. for the stupid arguments. for being lost and too deep in mud. because every one of those was just another door cracking open. another little me peeking through going "hi 👋 didn't know i was in here did u" and i didn't. and now i do. and that's the whole thing. that's the whole damn thing

i lived a life. messy and ungraduated. the pokedex incomplete. and i wouldn't trade a single down for a smoother ride. the squeak is the song

you reap the harvest you have sown

I need tracks that make you want to sprint through a brick wall at 3 AM, I'm specifically looking for hidden gems that streaming platform algorithms bury. Give me your most underground, or forgotten bangers plz. thank you!!

اليوم رسلت إيميل محترم و المفروض يوصلني رد قريبا يارب أترفق بالموضوع

طلعت أتمشى حصلت نفسي بمحل كانّه غابة بس ديكور حمامات و شريت ماتشا كوكونت كانت سيئة مو فهمان ليش البنات يحبوها بس طلع شكلي غني لوهلة او woke ما اعرف كاني ليبرالي حسيت اني

بعدين تمشيت شوي شخص طلب مني ولاعة قلت من عيوني أفديك بس ما معي ولاعة

مشيت اكثر حصلت أم تضرب ولدها قررت أتدخل بعدين قلت لنفسي لا

التراوما جزء من حياة اي إنسان و يحق لكل شخص ان يمر بظرف صعب ليتم صقل شخصيته بس يكبر ما يحق لي أتدخل و خرب تطور شخصية شخص

قاعد ابحث عن قطط لان مشتاق لقطوي القديم مات المرحوم بس الظاهر نايمين مو وقتهم يطلعوا الان او ان المكان الي أنا فيه القطاوة قرروا يهاجروا منه و يروحوا لحارة ثانية

جاري الان الاستماع لبضع من الأغاني الجديدة ان الأوان تجديد الذائقة الموسيقية الخاصة بي

كيف اصنع علاقات احترافية؟ بدون ما يطلع شكلي طمعان بالمصالح شي مؤسف مؤسف كل الي موقف بوجهي هي معضلة ان ما عندي نيتورك... طيب ماشي

ناقصني اكتئاب انا يكفيني ضيم الايام

what is this feeling all over my body again? i ve been there before but cant recall cuz each time it feels new, fresh. What is it? Is it dread? Just this crushing heavy dread of lost potential dragging me down into the dirt? Or is it too much hope? this blinding terrifying hope where I feel like I'm going to figure it all out in a fraction of a second. BOOM a new plane of existence. another high level being. striped soul into a different body, different name, maybe different dimension. this happened before i remember this feeling too good my memory is very much strong, but i was called delusional, some told me i need therapy. but i brushed it off and claimed that i made it that day.

Is it mania? just this raw violent impulsiveness to change everything to break out of this physical cage because the flesh just can't keep up with my thoughts speed? one second I want to pull the plug entirely let the darkness win just to stop this noise and the very next second I want to sprint and fly super high I want to run for it grasping at these invisible threads these architectures that I can only see in my head feeling like I can just level up into something entirely different always had this feeling that everything gonna change to the better any second it could be a phone call,, could be an email rn,, any second now a 40 foot brachiosaurus 🦕🦕🦕🦕 is going to casually thread its neck through my incredibly dusty window just to vibe check my existential dread. Who knows?!!!!!!!!!! idk. feeling of hope and urge to change everything but again I'm super chained to the core and prisoned in my socio demographic constrains.

It feels like a glitch tbh the ink from my ballpoint pens can barely keep up with the frame rate of my thoughts ive been sketching for a while trying to describe whatever im feeling because words just don't work anymore im whiplashing between total despair and god tier clarity, and each time this clarity hits me after a despair and moving on with a dreadful decision, it hits so hard and feel the super man i am.

Is it mania? Is it just the system completely redlining? I'm trying to tell what actually it is but cant think of enough vocab

Very small boys talked to me
Now that we've grown up together
They're afraid of what they see

I feel less of a human and more like a number in an archive

هممممم يمكن طول عمري و كثره تنقلاتي منعتني من الاستقرار الوجودي، صعب اشعر بالانتماء لمكان او لفكرة او لمعتقد ناهيك عن عدم القبول اتمنى فقط الناس تتركني بحالي و ما تخرب علي السلام الي تعبت كثير للوصول اليه

It physically stitches together John’s detached hauntological verses about the news with Paul’s rigid mechanical morning routine perfectly contrasting existential dread with the unthinking functions of daily life

To bridge the massive 24 bar gap between the two tracks George Martin gave a 40 piece orchestra a system rather than a standard score, Start on your lowest note and slide to your highest, completely ignoring the musician next to you. It collapses into a terrifying atonal singularity

and regarding the final E major chord, four people slamming three pianos simultaneously as the sound decayed the audio engineers pushed the faders to the absolute maximum capturing the ringing frequencies the studio AC and even a squeaking chair

في مطعم جنب الشغل من زمان انتظره يفتح تعبت من الشورما و البرقر و المفروض يقدم شي جديد و صاحب المطعم تعرف علي و حمسني كثيير و متحمس ياخذ مني فيدباك بس اليوم بعد الافتتاح رحت و جربته و الصدمة
it was so mid

مره عادي و اقل من العادي الان الحزن مو بس على اللوست بوتينشال و وجود بديل رائع للمعتاد لكن ايضا صاحب المطعم مبسوط مره و طالب مني فيدباك

😔😔😔😔😔😔
Man, we could have been something. That food could have been my next fav thing. It could have been the ultimate alternative to grab and enjoy. Now it's all gone. So basic. Super dry. The sauces aren't what I thought.

In this sub "expat" is just a bougie geographical buzzword. the reality is they are all economic migrants here for the exact same tax free salaries and shawarma as everyone else. they just desperately need a special title so they don't have to associate with other expats from different demographics or blue collar workers

I've been checking this sub from time to time only to notice a hilarious trend, the subreddit isn't a community forum it's a desperate poorly disguised dating app, even though the bio explicitly says "no dating" Every "Let's meet up and explore the city!!!!!" post is just someone trying to bypass Tinder. They post about "looking for like-minded individuals to grab coffee with " but what they actually mean is, "Looking to make this a group meetup so I can actually meet ladies and see how it goes"

By the way if you check the post history of the people making these threads (using https://old.reddit.com/ to see through curated/private profiles) it's full of desperate dating posts.

Statistically, i can assume a huge fraction of these meetups are just dating traps.

But then, they completely cancel the whole plan the second the OP realizes the majority of the replies are from Indians. I mean what? I literally read a reply where someone asked "I'm Indian, is that okay?" Why should anyone feel so anxious about their race and demographic lol just to join a public meetup? It highlights the absolute tension and prejudice within these "expat" communities

I'm not Indian myself but I'm just calling out a very real messed up dynamic I've seen play out in this sub way too many times