u/Evening_Shake_6474

From Xerxes's perspective it had been a few days since the battle of Chalcos, since Xel'lotath was defeated, and since Xerxes had decided to take his forces and leave her to her fate. There was no point clinging to a ship that was actively sinking, so he had cut his ties and taken those loyal to him. Admittedly, Avernus wasn't the best choice for sanctuary. But hey, Xerxes was born here, it was the closest thing to a home he had. Well, it was far better than the alternative.

But it was a nice day, for Avernus at least. The ground didn't randomly split open, there hadn't been any firenados yet, the Blood War battlefields were far off, and to top it all off, the air wasn't actively trying to burn lungs. Now, Xerxes's forces were hiding in caves they had carved into a canyon. It wasn't the nicest of places, but it was out of the way, and the worms didn't burrow this close to the surface.

The former Exarch himself was helping reinforce a cave entrance, yesterday marauders tried to break in and steal their supplies, and some of their population. Xerxes warned them of course, even when he saw the looks in their eyes as they saw the younger of his soldiers.

But when they took one too many steps over the threshold, he didn't hesitate. Now, he had a new scar, just above the center of his left lung. One of the marauders thought charging and stabbing the nine foot tall demon was a good idea. Xerxes gave that man a lot more than a scar.

When he was done filling the entrance with sandbags disguised as a wall, he went back to camp. The walk back gave him time to think. Why did Hell have to heal him? His back hurt enough due to his height, now he was growing wings. Felt like his shoulder blades and spine were being rearranged. Which was probably what was happening.

Why did he join Xel'lotath in the first place? Knowledge he told himself, freedom of knowledge for all who wanted it. And what did it cost? Marching across the world, an army of nightmares behind him. A sea of blood, tens of thousands more lives on his conscience. And it was all for nothing.

He arrived back in camp, a small city built into the rock. He didn't walk loudly, but hooves tend to make noise when walking over rock. Everyone he encountered stopped talking as he went by, be it fear of him, respect, something else, he didn't know. His part of camp was small, a little hut with a stand for his weapons, he didn't need anything else, so he gave the rest to those who did. He didn't have a bed, he didn't see a point, it wasn't like he slept these days, in fact, he might have forgotten how.

But his weapons, in his mind they deserved more respect than he did. He wielded three, a bident he forged himself, a spear forged from stolen divinity, and the chosen blade of the Morningstar himself. They all had wills of their own, but the spear was the only one that had a mind. He knew it did, because it had been actively trying to get him to defect for months. It was quiet recently though, Xerxes assumed it was silently gloating.

After getting his cut of Hellboar from the commissary, he went back to his hut. He sat down on the stone, back to the door. With one hand he reached up to his face, and put it on his mask. He quietly whispered the command, and felt the mask release his flesh. He set it down on the ground beside him, then started eating the boar's flesh. It was tough and tasted terrible, but it was better than starving.

A minute later, he heard footsteps behind him. He quickly finished his meal and put his mask back on, it sealed itself once he said the command word.

Sir? Can I speak with you?

"You don't need to ask."

Xerxes got up and turned around. He saw a young woman standing in the doorway, late twenties to early thirties.

Thanks, I was wondering, why do you eat alone? After every hunt, you take your cut and come here. We wouldn't mind you at the commissary. Is it to do with the mask? If you have a scar, you don't need to be ashamed of it.

"I have a great many scars. But no, I simply don't want my face to be seen. That is all you need to know and all I will tell you."

Right.

"Is there... Anything else you wished to discuss?"

Actually, yes.

She gestured at two rocks outside, they walked over and sat down.

I was also wondering, what's our next move? We've been here a while, and it's not that camping in a hole in Hell isn't fun, but it isn't sustainable. Not all of us are used to this hellscape.

"Most people on the material plane would kill us if given the chance. As would most celestials, Fae, etcetera. A large part of us were born here, Avernus is our best bet."

Yeah...

"If you don't mind me asking, have we met before? You seem familiar, more so than expected."

Ah, right, I honestly didn't think you'd ask. We actually met last year.

Realisation hit Xerxes in the head like a rock.

"You were one Dominox's followers?"

Creation Initiate Ari Featherstone, and I was one of your followers, Grand Architect Xerxes.

"I don't understand. Why follow me? You joined me once before, and I failed before, why join me a second time?"

Debt, mostly. I owe you.

"You owe me nothing."

Yes, I do. Do you remember the day we met? You were visiting my hometown, spreading Dominox's word. I was going through some things back then, and I attended your public sermon, I figured, hey, why not, what do I have left to lose? You found me in the park after the sermon, I think I was crying. You could have kept walking, instead you sat down next to me, and asked me what was wrong.

I don't remember how long we sat there, I just remember you listening. You bought me ice cream afterwards, I think I had mint-choc-chip. I remember you told me something along the lines of "It doesn't matter what you face, you don't have to face it alone."

A beat passed before he responded.

"Two flakes."

She looked at him, confused. What?

"You asked for two flakes. We went to look at the ducks, then you gave me a tour of the city."

You remember? She seemed bewildered.

"I remember a woman who needed someone to talk to. I remember a woman who was far stronger than she thought."

Silence fell for a brief moment.

I joined the church the next day. You helped me when I needed it, I needed to pay you back. Then you, selfish prick, saved my life before I could repay you the first time. Then you died before I could even think about paying you back!

"I didn't exactly choose to get murdered, and I stand by what I said, you owe me nothing, and if I have things my way you never will. I did what anyone should have done."

I don't really care if I'm being honest. You helped me more than anyone else, and I still haven't had the opportunity to help you. I'm not leaving until we're even.

"You're too loyal to the wrong demon, you remind me of myself actually."

A beat passed, then Xerxes sighed, and stood up.

"You aren't going to get your chance here. Spread the word, we leave tomorrow."

Sir?

"I have a bad idea that might just guarantee your safety."

You mean our safety, right?

"No. You are all in this mess because of me. I should be the one who fixes it."

Sir, what exactly is your plan?

Xerxes turned to face her, the shadows on the wall behind him spreading out like wings.

"I'm going to make a bargain. We're going to Relief and Aid."

Greetings attention starved cretins, it is I, Astaroth. Today I return from my undisclosed trip to an undisclosed place where I did undisclosed things for undisclosed reasons. I bring you five bad solutions to five problems no one has. Now I know you absolutely hate small talk, so let's move on shall we?

What to do when attacked by a hippo on steroids outside a Wizmart? First you get low so the beast can't see you, it is scientifically proven that hippos stop seeing things twenty degrees below their eye level when given steroids. Next you crabwalk around to the left when it starts sprinting towards you, once you enter it's blindspot you cast fireball at its centre mass. Unfortunately this is one of the few problems that fireball alone cannot solve. Once you hit it, start doing the macarena to confuse the now stunned hippo, then upcast summon shipping container to finish it off.

How to get out of a messy marriage when you can't afford to get divorced? This one is quite simple. Cast fireball at your so then run away to New Argentina located just North of the North Pole. Start a new life with the polar bears as their therapist and pizza guy.

Why is my orb green and smells of urine, and how do I stop it? Well you remember last Thursday when you went to see your plug for some of that vvizard vveed? You had yo shit laced my guy. Anyway to make it stop, tie it to a rope made of golden orb weaver silk, then swing it around while on the roof of the nearest south facing tower. Do this for three minutes, if it doesn't change, stop what you're doing immediately and visit the nearest infernal den.

A werewolf ate my familiar then skedaddled away into the forest while dancing to the beat of Sonne by Rammstein, how do I get revenge? Well, you start by dancing after it to properly get a feeling of where it went and what it was thinking. Once you have done this for eight solid minutes, you cast summon cheese elemental and follow it whichever direction it goes. Once you find the werewolf, cast fireball and infuse it with silver to turn the werewolf into a waswolf.

I am actively turning into a werewolf, a vampire, a zombie, and Jeff Bezos, how do I stop this? Eat an entire watermelon then stab yourself with a consecrated knife to counteract the Bezos infliction. Then you eat the rock and hurl yourself into a bed. After getting twelve hours sleep, you cast remove curse three times.

Anyway that's all five problems so I am out. Bye.