This started because recently i had two anxiety attacks in the same week. Im very bad with words so excuse me if im not making myself clear. But basically what happened is that for a period of time I just felt anxious. Which was weird because everything was okay. Actually more than okay, I have a stable life, and a community. Something that I lacked a lot before. So it felt like my body triggers my brain to making up narratives that something was gonna happen, if I was gonna be replaced, thrown away, or forgotton.
And it woukd be the most little things that mean nothing but it feels like I cant help making it into a thing. What sucks is that i know logically this is not true, I try to rationalise my anxiety. But It wont do anything because it didnt start from a thought, it started from a weight that id suddenly feel from my chest.
My body can feel like something is about to happen when everything is fine. And most importantly, I get mad at myself for thinking that way. Which just makes it worse. I start to worry if im regressing to that version of me where i was dependent, needy, and clingy. If i was losing all the hardwork to gain my confidence, to be the person i am today. I just kept pushing it away instead of telling someone about it because i felt like it wouldn't help.
I have a huge struggle with attachment, and have this extreme push and pull of everytime I get attached someone, I get scared.
I felt stupid feeling confused on why I was this way, on why I couldn't just trust people and myself when the answer was something i already knew.
It felt weird that it was a relevation to me that it was all the trauma from my mom. Its been more than a year and a half since i moved away from her but what happened still affects me. The first 8 months i moved from her, I had visual and emotional flashbacks that would leave my body on edge and even gave me panic attacks. But the abuse wasn't the type you see in movies. She never hit me, or belittled me constantly. She just.. Ignored me. But not even in a sense where my mom was cold. My mom has a very warm and nurturing energy. And always cooked for me, took me out, and had this chill mom vibe and gave me freedom. But it felt like all that love was replacable because she just gave that love because she wanted to love, not to love me. It felt like all that got taken away when she got a boyfriend. And this happened before, and it made me uncomfortable on how her and her ex were all lovey dovey despite being a young child and my parents recently divorcing. But everytime i spoke up about it she just shut me out, or made it about her, or saying stuff like "how come u were okay with it then, but not now?" Like i had to fight my case so she can stop making me feel uncomfortable. And when she got this new bf, i clearly set up boundaries, but she still didnt listen.
It felt like she didnt give me a place to speak or to be thought of. And it was to the point that she was rarely home, we got into arguments and she said hurtful things to me, and everytime i talked to her it felt like i was just a chore. Alongside of having no friends because i was homeschooled and I got so depressed I didnt go out. So i only had her.
Im doing a lot better now, but I realised that even though she never hit me, or verbally insulted me, or controlled me. Even though she is so loving and warm to me and tells me daily that she loves me. What she did affected me really badly still and it makes me wonder if ita to the point of cptsd
I dont know, I genuinley would like to hear peoples feedback on it tho
I am not trying to self diagnoss or anything, I just want to hear peoples thoughts and to help my consideration of looking for a professional diagnosis