Hello, first of sorry for my english, i hope you guys understand what i mean.
This started about 3 weeks ago. I was borred so i downloaded a mobile idle game, i quickly got to chat with a group of like 8 people, we joked, had a lot of banter. I enjoyed it alot, especially chatting with this one girl. We started chatting on discord out of the game and in the game, almost every day we would chat from the minuten i woke up until i went to sleep again.
After the first week, people in the group chat started asking me and a few other why we didnt have a pfp of ourself. They got curious so the other 2 put up a pic with their face. Im not a good looking guy, and proberly weigh a bit too much. I have never gotten attention from the opposite sex, and have never felt love in my 33 year on this planet. So because of that and my low self esteem, i found a random pic of a guy, nothing crazy, but a good looking man. They where all complementing me, and even from the other guys in there i felt they respected me, and for the next 2 weeks i talked even more (if thats even possible) with this girl, we would flirt, send voice chats to eachother and talk about deep topics. I felt last night that she was really getting fond of me, and i feel the same thing, but i feel disqusted by myself. So this morning i blocked everyone expect her, deleted the game and send her a message explaining it all.
I have never hurt anyone before in my life. But the guilt i have and have felt for the last weeks are imense. I didnt think i could hate myself anymore than i did before this, but i feel like the biggest coward on earth. I dont know what im asking advice for really, maybe how to cope with hurting someone you really like, or how to get to understand why i did this in the first place.. Thanks for letting me vent.