My condition
I physically can't stand what's happening anymore. I just want to speak out, so that at least someone can see it. I've always been the supportive one, I always listen to everyone, to advice, I try to figure it out, but when I speak, I get nothing in return. When was the last time I wanted to say something to myself, when I realized someone wasn't interested? I haven't said anything for five years now; I have so much going on, so much I could say, but I always remain silent. I don't remember the last time I talked to anyone for even a week.
Because of my communication problems, I developed a severe addiction; I hated myself for it, but I continued to watch others have basic support. Even a banal birthday gift brings tears to my eyes. I remember a friend's birthday, I've been through it. Her parents were away, she invited friends, they gave her gifts, I gave them to her, there were lots of treats, her friend even ordered a costume in advance and got ready. I chose my gift carefully. And my birthday? I lay on my bed, and my relatives had even forgotten about me. No gifts. No greetings.
Not only did I lose my friends due to the stress, I also stopped going outside. I started not caring about myself anymore; I don't open the curtains; I don't want to see the criminal around. Because I hardly ever go out, I often get dizzy and have nosebleeds. Vitamin deficiency, plain and simple. I've started overeating, to the point of physical pain, but I've maintained my weight. (165/46)
Lately, I've been paranoid. Everyone was afraid of monsters as a child, but I haven't gotten over it. I know they don't exist, but every time I wash the dishes, I have to turn around at least three times. I often sit in the dark and can't stand silence; I'm always on my devices. ALWAYS. Shower, outside, home, food, sleep. There's always something in the background, I can't be without them. My heart immediately races with the fear that someone is watching me, someone is standing above me. I can't fall asleep in silence or even listen to music. I know I need to grow up, but I can't stop seeing or feeling someone next to me, even if I see that no one is there.
Two years ago, a relative of mine died, right before my eyes. I saw everything, her death throes, before she looked at the ceiling. Blood came from her mouth, the last seconds of her life slipping away. At first, I got over it and forgot, but for the last year, I've been tormented by nightmares. I've come to terms with death, but I have constant nightmares of worms crawling out of her mouth and me suffocating on it. I remember one time: I'd fall asleep, but I was pulled out of it, I'd suddenly fall, my heart pounding, as if I'd been thrown against a wall. I tried to fall asleep three more times, but it kept happening, and three times in a row I had horrible dreams, nightmares, and shortness of breath. After that, I can't remember the last time I got enough sleep.
As for my physical health, I started twitching, I can't smile, my lips and cheeks tremble. Everyone twitches sometimes, but mine has become three times more frequent.
From the latest research. I want to say I hate studying. Yes, I can think I'm stupid, but I graduated from elementary school with limited skills. I've hated studying my whole life, but in the last month, I've been a workaholic. I couldn't remember a day without studying. I was so happy to see something other than the bad; it gave me hope. But I passed the test, I prepared for it for a long time, I was confident in myself, I tried many times and everything worked out, but in the end, I got the worst grade. I had the worst hysteria of all time, I even banged my head against the wall (what the fuck?), and it gave me... Pleasure??? I don't know why.
And the most disturbing problem for me is that I used to watch trash channels, and there was gore there, then I quit, but I went back to drawing it.
To sum it up, I don't want to turn to anyone; if they tell me something serious, I won't go to college. I believe you have to deal with your problems on your own before it becomes physically unbearable.