About 2 years ago I got diagnosed with Complex PTSD after a decade of drug abuse and mental health traumas , I had isolated myself from the world living alone coping by disassociating myself from the world and developed a cold heart .
One day me and my brother decided to do some magic mushrooms which I was scared about as my mental health had been well fragile and angry.
I had a positive experience of feeling slightly elated and enjoyed the body high and mental rest it gave me.
I decided I wanted to do some more this time on my own . I ended up taking 5g one day then a week later 10g each time being slightly more confusing and intense but leaving me feeling a sense of deep inner peace
Finally one day I took 15g and lay on the grass in the sun in my garden by myself , I started to cry as I came up tears of overwhelming joy , melencholy and deep love for all people even those I would of said I hated
I had a complete ego death and the only thing that remained was a deep love for all of humanity and life forms. I cried at many of the horrible things I’d done to other people and myself , and had the intention that I would go round making amends and having deep care and respect for myself and others moving forward . All
Of the pressure and trauma no longer mattered , nothing id been through mattered I felt suddenly connected to everything everyone that had ever lived as if it was myself
When I came back up and throughout the next 2 years I have really struggled to paticpiate in the world any more . I no longer cared about my career so much , only as a means to an end , I didn’t care about arguing with people being right or wrong or money , I didn’t care where life would take me
It was just all love all connection all right now in this moment forever
But I really struggled to care about anything to be honest , other than the company of good people and laughing smiling and having a good time
Now I’m beginning to feel a resentment growing towards the structure of this world keeping us seperated . I just want to spend my time with my friends my family and most of all my parents . I really hate how much time I have to waste at work, maintaining a home and other worldly chores . I just want to spend all my time with others , not isolated here on my own , an artifacts of my previous life of isolation .
I’m 30 years old so it’s obviously not possible to be constantly arround all those I love . But sometime I wish we all lived together in a giant gated community away from the harsh and cruel and dare I say evil systems of society misleading the masses away from the one thing that truly matters eternally love
Needless to say it’s made caring about a job money and material possessions borderline impossible and meaningless to me
How do we reconsile this with reality? In such a materialistic atomised world ? Maybe I have much more to learn on my journey and to learn to love my own company as much as I love being round those I truly care about
As I walk this earth i see the negativity everywhere , big pharama , TV, music , subtle enslaement to a capitalistic system . (I’m no fan of communism either ) but the lack of god and lack of love in this world and how seperated and divided we all are even in our own families and friends really hurts
Is it possible to walk in both worlds ?
I want to smash the system with a hammer and enter a time where we can all be together with love and meaning and community
Is this a me problem?
Thanks for your time .