I deleted my last post too hastily. I realized afterward that I should have edited it to add context instead, but I reacted without stopping to consider it first. There was a great deal of negative feedback because of the missing context, and since I still do want advice about this, I decided to add the necessary context and repost.
First, the original post although not the original wording, which I realize came off as callous and entitled. My husband, baby, and I moved in with my mom a couple months before the baby was born for a few reasons:
- The apartment where we were living was legitimately unsafe for an infant due to moisture and mold growth, and my mom was concerned (as were we) that the baby wouldn't do well living there.
- We live in a very affluent area where rents are disproportionately expensive compared to income, so my mom's offer to stay with her really, really helps us out. We're able to set aside some savings because she's charging us a much more reasonable rent (we're essentially just paying her refinanced mortgage for her).
- She wanted us to move in with her to be close to her granddaughter and me, and because she lives in a large house that was initially purchased a few years ago so that I would have to room to live there with her. That changed when I moved in with my husband but when we moved in with my mom she told me she was happy to have her empty house filled with family again.
It's also relevant that the house has been put into a trust in my name, because my mom is close to retirement (she's nearly 70) and she wanted to make sure my daughter will always have a roof over her head. My husband and I (on his salary alone) can afford the mortgage ourselves, so our presence is helping my mom save for retirement as well.
The house is currently (and eternally, it feels like) undergoing some renovations so there's a long list of projects that we've slowly been helping her work through. We do what we can to help, although she tends to be of the mindset of "if you want something done right, do it yourself," which means that there's only so much she wants us to do.
My husband also loves to cook and we both help make sure the main living areas are relatively clean and tidy at all times. We keep the baby's things orderly and put them away when we're not using them. My mom kind of almost works against us because she has ADHD (like me) and forgets to pick up things and throw trash away, but I don't mind at all picking up after her.
I really do understand how generous she's being by letting us live here and helping with the baby, and I would never for one second do anything to make her feel less than incredibly appreciated and loved. We do everything we can to help her because she's a great grandma and mother and person. I often tell her how grateful we are for her help and how great of a grandma and mother she is.
With that context in mind, I want to address several things:
- My mom has given her full consent for me to rearrange things and nothing is ever changed without her permission. This is her home with her belongings, and I would never discard or move anything without her oversight.
- She agrees with me that the disorder and clutter is harmful to her mental health and we have had discussions in the past about how overwhelmed and distressed we BOTH feel about how messy many parts of the house are. I think she is open to trying to live a bit more minimally, it just contrasts with her scarcity mindset of not wanting to waste or discard items she might need in the future.
- Everything I've moved or reorganized is recorded in a notebook as well as clearly labeled. I also go over anything I've changed with her again after it's moved to make sure she knows where things are. I want to make sure that everything is neat and can be easily found and easily put away.
- I have made a couple previous posts in other subreddits that I also deleted for good reasons:
- The first was a post with 20 pictures of different areas of concern in the house that I wanted advice on reorganizing. The reception was a mixture of concern, disgust, and one commenter in particular worrying that my mother might have diagnosable hoarding disorder. They were ultimately why I deleted my post, however, because they made a quite aggressive comment telling me that my child would be taken away if anyone saw our living conditions. This was unrealistic but felt quite unnerving to me and made me feel like I no longer wanted to interact with or be connected to that post.
- The second was a post asking for advice on an underground greenhouse my husband and I were digging in the backyard for the entire family's shared use. There was a commenter who implied on my last post here that we dug this without her permission but we absolutely did not. She is just as thrilled by the prospect of an underground greenhouse to extend the growing season as we are, as she has gardened her whole life and loves it. Many of the comments on this post were very negative and framed what was meant to be a harmless request for advice on a joyful backyard project as a request for help digging a death-trap.
- On both posts, I want to say that I thanked the helpful commenters and really appreciated their help. I just couldn't overcome my unease at the negative comments.
- When I used the term "boomer," it was a literal description of my mother's generation to give shorthand context for her cultural understanding and perspective. The commenter who here defined boomer as "a slur unless that person was born to parents who fought in WW2 and came home, got pregnant, and had them," is describing my mom. It was not at all meant derogatorily.
- My grandparents were born in the 1930s, my father in the 1950s, my mother in the 1960s, and myself in the 1990s. While I appreciate that both generations had children later in life, it is entirely possible that my mother is a boomer. By calling her a boomer, I was attempting to give the context that she was raised with a scarcity mindset borne of my grandparents' experience during wartime and therefore explain why she has trouble parting with things. I wasn't trying to generalize, just contextualize.
I realize that my original post was lacking a lot of context and came off with a tone that I did not at all intend. I have trouble with tone and context when speaking in real life and I'm coming to the uncomfortable realization that the internet is no exception. However, I promise you that I had only positive intentions.
The point of my post was to ask for advice that would help my mom as well as myself in our mental health and babyproofing endeavors. I realize I will get more negative feedback on this post as well and won't delete it regardless of your reactions, but I just needed to stand up for myself. I'm not a heartless person or thoughtless daughter, I'm a new mom trying to make a comfortable home for my entire family including my mom.
Also, and I know that you guys might not care about this, but until the industrial revolution it would have been perfectly normal for us to live with her (or my husband's family). And we wouldn't have the ceaseless consumerism that is the reason for many of the things we own in the first place.