Happy Mothers day to me
I went low contact with my mum (have to be in contact for family organisation things still, but keep it to about 20 minutes per month on the phone). Yesterday she called me, I decided to call back tomorrow because I need to prepare emotionally for that. Today is mothers day, and I called her back at 10:30. When I dialed, I joked to my bf " wanna bet that she yells at me for disturbing her so early?" Guess what. When she picked up she said "I just got up. You should know that. What are you calling so early? I call you back later." Mind you, this is the woman who calls me at any time of night to dump her stuff on me, who called me at 5:00 in the morning to tell me my grandpa had died, allthough he died in the evening before. Who never once asks how I am.
And still. Still I am so stupid to think, that I need to call her on mothers day. That she would care.
She threw me out of the house when I opened an own bank account at 18 to manage my own money. She asked me to smuggle p0t for her when I was 20. She asked me to testify for something in court for her, that I did not even see or could know, just to bail her out. I did none of that, and thats why I am the "unreliable" one.
And still, I call, still, there is that stupid bit of me who thinks "maybe we can fix this." I still, despite years of therapy, think "maybe this time".
No child goes off contact because they want to, but because they get forced to do it, and it hurts.
Happy mothers day to all of us who survived this, who became capable and loving adults not because, but despite their parents.