I always had issues with intimacy. Not with libido or sexual desire or having an orgasm, but being comfortable enough with someone to be vulnerable and physically intimate. It was my biggest insecurity and brought me a lot of shame.
I worked hard to distract myself. I focused on school, spent years in a competitive program and stressful job. I hated it. Was in an insanely stressful pressure cooker for a solid decade. In the end, the shame and academic/corporate grind made depressed.
I went on ssri so that I wouldn’t fall behind in work.
Two years later, I finally meet someone. I was in my 30s and finally found someone who I was comfortable with. My first boyfriend. I couldn’t believe I found him. He was patient and kind. I decided to go off my ssri so that my libido would come back and I could finally explore physical intimacy with someone who I felt safe with and loved. Only to find that my libido and orgasms died, replaced by rage and complete indifference to sex and a romantic relationship.
Welp. I lost him because of my lack of libido. It’s been 17 months since I stopped my ssri. 8 since the break up.
Just crazy you wait decades for that person and physical intimacy and closeness. And when it comes, is exactly when your body and mind stop working.
Cosmic irony.