Recently, I told someone off and became aggressive because I was tilted at my game. They couldn't take the treatment I gave them, so they left. I couldn't care less if they went away. It's not just this incident, but many incidents involving me not forgiving small mistakes that people did to me. I get toxic and overreactive because it's just worthless to keep people around.
Deep down, I hate humans. I hate expectations. I hate friends. I leave people easily. For a regular person, I'll be seen as the red flag or the toxic idiot that makes everyone a living hell.
I feel like this hate stems from my horrible experiences in the past. I was mistreated so much during my school years (from reception to sixth form) and in my own home. I was taught that apologising is useless from my dad, thus many people see me as a dumb person incapable of resolvement.
I was also diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Emotional regulation was very hard for me.
I tried my BEST to improve and be a better person. I know apologising is important to mend things, not just for others but for myself. I know the cognitive distortation traps and how to resolve my thoughts. I learnt somatic therapy, gratitude and positive affirmations. I learnt why being kind to others is important, though this expectation makes me so mad. Still, I kept respecting people as society sees fit.
I don't know whether my toxic beliefs is hurting me or shaping me for who I am. Are my beliefs of hating expectations and humans valid?
The ones who were close to me said they are valid. However, I'm confused because I think I hurt people who wanted to be 'friends' with me. Very few individuals stayed because they know I am hurt and unloved. They see me as a kind person, when I know I'm always toxic in some way. They stayed during my worst moments. I appreciate their resilience, but idk how healthy this is.