When I was two years old, I was involved in a severe motor vehicle accident. There were seven adults and three children in the car. It was a head-on collision with a truck, and all seven adults died. The children survived.
At the time, I was living away from my parents because my aunt had temporarily taken me in ..my parents were overwhelmed raising triplets (I have two siblings who are my age), and she cared for me deeply. My siblings were not in the accident; they were in Delhi with my parents. My aunt loved me a lot—perhaps more visibly and warmly than I experienced elsewhere growing up—and she died in that accident. Her children (my cousins), who were around 16 and 18, lost their mother.
From what I’ve been told, I was thrown from the car. My scalp was bleeding, and I was found lying in a pool of blood. I was unconscious, although no one remembers for how long. There are no medical records or discharge summaries available. Although I have been told that the CT scans were normal. Growing up, no one really focused on what happened to me medically or neurologically—the tragedy of the deaths understandably took precedence.
Looking back now, I’ve started to question whether that early injury may have had longer-term effects on me.
Throughout childhood, I struggled in school, especially with subjects like maths. I often felt like I processed things more slowly than my siblings and peers and needed more time to understand concepts. However, this was always attributed to me being “less intelligent” or “not trying hard enough.” I grew up in a highly competitive academic environment in India, where comparison was constant. I didn’t receive much encouragement or support, and over time I lost confidence and tried less. I internalised the belief that I was simply not capable. Also, what I get confused about is that, somehow, even though I was barely studying, I would manage to get a B instead of a C or D in school.
Later, I studied psychology at a less prestigious college in Delhi and eventually managed to work very hard and achieve good grades. I then completed a Master’s degree from India, which was also challenging due to a discouraging and critical academic environment where I often felt judged and out of place. There are gaps in my education between two master's and before starting the PhD (due to being lost in career and struggling to plan, I have always struggled to make a plan properly and somehow miss deadlines- like I don't feel I'm as prompt as others).
I moved to the UK for another Master’s and later a PhD in Psychology. During this time, I often felt anxious, alone, and overwhelmed. I completed my PhD in almost 5 years, but it took me significantly longer than many of my peers here in the UK, who take 3.5 to 4 years. I struggled particularly with organisation, statistics, and data analysis. Tasks felt cognitively exhausting, and I noticed that I could only do a limited amount of work before feeling mentally drained. Everything seemed to take me longer than it did for others.
During my PhD, I also developed chronic back pain (later described as myofascial pain), which made working for long periods extremely difficult. This pain often worsened with stress and prolonged sitting. In hindsight, there were also emotionally traumatic experiences (including a distressing relationship and another car-related incident in 2019), and I wonder whether these may have interacted with or contributed to the chronic pain.
Recently, after speaking with a very empathetic friend, I started reflecting more seriously on my childhood accident and my overall life trajectory. Somehow, in my conversation with her, it came out, and I feel I had somehow suppressed it in the corners of my heart and mind. Since she was the first person in my life who thought about me and was concerned about 'me' in the accident. and was so empathetic towards me. This experience made me question my entire life and research on childhood TBI. I am beginning to wonder whether my lifelong experiences—slower processing, mental fatigue, difficulty with complex tasks, getting overwhelmed easily, and needing more time than others could be related in some way to that early head injury? I've been reading, and from what I understand, this could be a diffuse axonal injury from the MVA, but I'm not sure.
At the same time, I find myself constantly gaslighting myself because my family has always assumed that I am “fine” and that my difficulties are due to laziness or lack of discipline. I’ve internalised that narrative deeply and still struggle with it.
I think my core question is:
Could what I’ve experienced be explained by this accident, or is this within the range of natural cognitive variation combined with psychological factors?
More importantly, I’m trying to understand myself better, especially my brain, so I can take care of myself going forward and stop beating myself up for not working as quickly or efficiently as others.
I would really appreciate any perspectives, especially from people with knowledge of pediatric head injuries, chronic pain, or cognitive differences.