confessions of a darling debater
it's been 6 years. I used to love debate, I think I still do, I'm just stuck in my own head. I lost 3 partners, my heart broke every time. I've been cursed out, I've been abandoned, I've worked hard to have my dreams crushed. now my current coach told me I expected too much, that I just didn't work hard enough. my first coaches had me do 7 hours of classes every week, I did debate upwards of 20 hours a week for over a month when I was 12. my parents paid thousands of dollars, they told me I would win. they promised me results but I didn't get them and then my coaches took my partner away from me because I just wasn't good enough. I felt like a failure. I found a new coach, he pushed me to the brinks, he guilt-tripped me into working every day. I did debate not for myself, but because I was told that if I didn't I was lazy. I was fixated with winning because every time I didn't my family would cry, my partners would cry, people would treat me differently. I counseled my partner, I did her prep for her, I thought it would be worth it. I finally won.
I went to another tournament and I lost to the tournament champions in doubles. my partner cursed me out the day before, we broke up our partnership, I was devastated. they told me my win was a fluke, that I should've been happy with doubles. I was exhausted from overwork, I knew I could've done better, I saw exactly how I could win each debate. I left my coach, I had to, I went to a prestigious organization. I felt like an outsider, the team accused me of going there just to steal prep. the head coach told me my lay skills needed work, the one thing I genuinely thought I was good at. I went to my last tournament, I made doubles. my old coach told me to be happy with that result, told me that I didn't prep enough, I was prepping more than my teammates, hours every day. I go to an incredibly rigorous school, I have upwards of 25-30 hours of homework a week. I was burnt out beyond belief and they told me it wasn't enough. I still believed what my coaches first told me, that I would deserve to win one day, as long as I gave up my life for debate.
I came back to debate for Freshman year with a different partner. we started prep, but then I got diagnosed with a rare health condition. I went into the hospital, I had surgery, I stayed in bed rest for over a month. my body didn't cope like they said it would. I lost my partner, he wanted to only compete with me on the side, then he didn't want to compete at all. I was overworked, I was pressured. I was pushed to compete again, I trained, I pushed myself once more even though I was exhausted all the time. I did a smaller event, I worked hard. in finals I genuinely felt like myself again, I thought maybe I could actually win. I thought that tournament was my new beginning. I lost. I was just done, no more tears, no more anger, in my mind I simply gave up. I know I shouldn't have rested all my hopes on one tournament, I just desperately needed hope. I am exhausted.
now my coach is frustrated, everyone is. they say I need to snap out of it and stop seeing everything so negatively, stop giving up. you know back when I used to love debate, they said I was a darling. I tried so hard to be sweet, to be a version of myself judges would like. now I'm 14, I spend all day studying and then go to practice and just give up. I can't find the motivation to keep going, I'm trying to learn a new event but I don't even know if I want to. people are constantly trying to make me work harder. I'm a human too. I'm sorry
thank you to everyone who read this <3