I have severe depression and I'm in so much pain right now. But what's really eating me tonight is something I've carried for almost 10 years.
When I was 17, my father was in the hospital. I was the only one there with him. He kept asking for water even though the doctors said he wasn't allowed to drink yet. He was angry and demanding. And i was scared and slightly annoyed. So I gave him the water.
He died shortly after. Right in front of me. Alone with him. People thought it was because of a heart attack. But i saw him. He choked.
What's worse is i was planning to tell him, once he recovered, that all my life, all he told me is how much of a burden i was and it's true and I'm so sorry for that. I'm sorry i dropped out of high school and that he thinks I was helpless with no future But I never stop trying to make him proud. And i loved him despite everything. I never got to say any of it. He died not knowing what i really feel.
I feel like everything is so pointless since then. Life is simply not enjoyable, no matter how much i try to enjoy it. Maybe deep down i know i don't deserve to feel joy. I don't deserve to be happy for disappointing my father and then killed him