I keep pushing myself because I can’t handle the idea of being seen as the worst in the place. But even when I’m putting in as much effort as I can, I still feel behind. And sometimes I still get judged or talked down to, like I’m not doing enough or not being taken seriously. That’s the part that really gets to me. It feels like nothing I do actually counts.
I’ve tried to improve, but it feels like there’s no finish line. There’s always more I could’ve done, or someone doing better, or someone who still sees me negatively anyway. At this point I’m properly burnt out, and I don’t think I’ve ever had a proper chance to recover. It’s just been one thing after another without a reset.
And when things get harder and I try to ask for help, I don’t get much that feels non-judgemental or genuinely supportive. I also don’t feel like I can be honest about how uncomfortable I am, because I don’t want to come across like I can’t take feedback or like I’m asking for too much from others at work.
So it ends up feeling like I just have to deal with everything on my own, while still being judged. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.