u/Enderman49

I did it weeks ago, somewhere I could easily hide it, and just did it. For a couple days. I had rules, made it so the pain was a punishment for certain actions, one I’m still a little afraid of now because I’m technically breaking them by being on Reddit even if the avoidant period is now over. I already feel compelled to go through with the rules and it’s scaring me.

I never really hurt myself seriously before. Tried to cut myself once but it wasn’t anything real. This is real, and I felt almost euphoric, like I was finally a real victim. I’d never gone through with stuff in the past, made plans that relied on chance, but now I went through with it and now I’m scared yet numb. I won’t give details because that’s how I got ideas, because it’s shockingly easy.

Worst thing? What spurred it on was FANDOM DRAMA. Not a loss, not a traumatic experience, not a breakup, just me being a PARASOCIAL BITCH. I feel crazy, actually insane, that I hurt myself over someone who doesn’t even know me. I wasn’t supposed to be like this, I’ve never been like this with anyone, yet they do some shit things and now I’m punishing myself??? I’m hurting myself???!!!!! Yet some part of me still wants to. I made those stupid fucking rules to keep myself from not only spiraling over FUCKING FANDOM DRAMA and killing myself, but to prevent myself from hurting myself more. The rules make things easier, give things reasons, and I feel fucking insane typing that out

Alt account for obvious reasons. Thanks for listening

Alt account just for this, only for this. I fear that my main account isn’t a good place to be so open

Weeks ago I did it. No picking at scabs, hair pulling, or biting myself- I genuinely did it, somewhere I could hide it easily. I did it as a punishment, made up rules which I was terrified of breaking because I felt truly compelled to follow them. I won’t give details as to how because that’s how I got ideas.

I’ve been wanting to do it for so long, but it always felt so distant that it didn’t seem worth it, but then I just got the materials and did it. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve tried but the first time I succeeded and no one was any wiser. The wounds have mostly healed- I think one nearly got infected because I have a terrible issue with picking- and I’m just numb.

I did this because of internet drama, because of parasocialality, because I’m apparently fucking crazy about someone who doesn’t know I even exist. They weren’t even involved, I just did so to avoid the drama. It’s been consuming me and I just got back from a total break from it all. I’ve literally been close to ending it, losing full days, and all for what? I’m not usually like this, but I now feel insane.

I feel like I’ve just done it for attention, felt euphoric when I first did it because finally, finally I could be a real victim and not some poser. I’m not a poser but I keep feeling like one. I’m sick in the head. I’m doing this for fucking sympathy and for some person who doesn’t know I exist, is going through enough as is, and I know my dumbass is gonna feel resentful for no fucking reason even though I did this too myself. I feel crazy but I’ll continue on, like I always do