u/Empty_Feature_7165

I just got engaged to my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, and it was a big victory over my ROCD. The day we got engaged I was happy about the situation objectively but definitely didn’t feel great. I had anticipated this though, and I tried not to let it bother me. Since then (it’s been four days), my ROCD has gotten worse.
Since the beginning of our relationship I have had attraction struggles—not physical attraction but something like emotional attraction. My gf and I didn’t start dating because I felt an initial “spark,” but simply because I was friends with a lot of her family and friends, and I thought she was kinda cute physically, so I figured we should try dating. The first year was pretty rough—we fought a lot and I had a lot of general maturing to do. By now, however, we understand each other well, we rarely fight, agree on almost everything, encourage each other in all things, etc. In short, there are so many positive things I can say about the relationship. Plus, all my family and friends and even people who don’t know me well think we’re great together, and so do hers. She also adores me and is ecstatic about the recent engagement. I just feel so bad for still having these attraction issues. The obsession has been focused on the way she talks (her voice, mannerisms, and turns of phrase). She is kindof an awkward communicator so it’s not entirely out of the blue (although I probably am too), but I wish it wasn’t such a big deal to me. Right now it feels like an utter dealbreaker. I hate when typing this out, but when I’m in a bad phase of ROCD, it’s not so much anxiety as a kind of repulsion or disgust I experience, and I get super critical of her. Then of course I feel crappy about it because obviously she doesn’t deserve that.
Nevertheless, I made the decision to get engaged, and it would be great to follow through with it— realistically I don’t see myself ever calling off this marriage. I just need some encouragement and advice on how to focus on the positive and push past these issues. Also, I think part of my anxiety comes from the fact that these issues have been there from the outset, so sometimes I doubt that it’s truly ROCD, though I’m veteran enough with other forms of OCD to know that that’s pretty BS. Any help would be very appreciated. Thanks!