corruption kink as a child
I've been really wanting to get this off of my chest too with no idea who to tell or where to go to discuss this. I'm not sure what I want , comfort, an explanation, but please respond if you relate or have any knowledge on this issue.
I am aware that kinks can sometimes come from trauma, but I don't really recall having any traumatic experiences as a child. I come from an upper middle family who has consistently supported me. I do remember my parents relationship was rocky when I was younger and they would always scream and threaten to divorce each other, but i personally think it wasn't enough to traumatize me. My parents were very loving.
Anyway, I remember as a kid I would always fantasize (every night) about having a master to "corrupt" me, and masturbate to the thought (I also knew of masturbation before anything? I think it came to me naturally). I would also favor the villains in those magical girl shows that I watched and get aroused by them. I especially remember in a particular episode, one of the "good" characters got corrupted by a villain, which got me really really turned on without knowing I was.
And this is really weird, but everytime I masturbated and finished, I would always get this flood of extreme shame/discomfort. Usually I would have a picture come up in my mind for a second, of all my friends and family just staring at me as if I'm completely apart from them. I don't know, it's very strange. I still occasionally get waves of this feeling when i scrub my thighs in the shower.
But more than anything, I think not being able to speak to anyone about my masturbating and wanting a master to "corrupt" me really effected me. I always thought I was inherently evil , and was really really full of shame and anxiety around my peers (this continued for 9 years). I also remember that because I thought I was evil, I would always absolutely loathe people that looked happy and innocent, animals too. I'm not sure about this part.
I wish I could explain this feeling. Even typing this out feels strange and like a fever dream. Again, If you have any advice, explanations, or just remarks please just comment. I don't want to dwell on this on my own.