Hey, never done this before but I feel like I need it off my chest. I'm sorry if parts are unclear of if I'm just yapping, I kind of just wrote what came to my mind.
I’ve been struggling for a long time and I usually have a hard time explaining it all properly, so I had this conversation that helped me get my thoughts out. I wanted to share it so others can understand where I’m at.
I never asked to be here. I hate feeling like I have to live just to earn money for others so I can survive myself. If this is what life is, being forced into this endless cycle of working just to exist, I’m not sure I want it. I know I should be grateful for the chance to live at all, but right now it just sucks. I’m not saying I’m going to do anything to hurt myself right now. I’m just sharing how I see things.
I’ve tried so many times to fit into normal life. I’ve had jobs in areas I actually enjoy, computers, tech, networking. I’ve tried roles with lots of variety and different levels of difficulty, easy schedules and tough ones, different workplaces and environments. Every single time it ends the same way. I push myself for a while, then I get this strong feeling that I need to leave, I give up, and I stop going. I loop back to the same point no matter what I try. Because of this, people see me as lazy or a leech, someone who’s outside the normal bubble. I don’t care that much about what others think, but it does affect how I see myself. I used to view myself quite highly, but now I feel like I’m unable to survive in this world, and that makes me feel worse and worse about myself.
I feel like I was born to not live for too long, almost like get in, experience as much as you can in a short span, and leave. That’s what I’ve been doing. It’s probably quite different to how other people think of exploring or experiencing things. They usually picture traveling and seeing the world. For me, being online is a whole world of its own. I know it sounds dorky and geeky, but it’s what I’ve enjoyed since I was a child, and it’s my way of experiencing things that actually brings me joy. Playing games and relaxing at the computer with friends is what I wish I could do for the rest of my life. But despite this, the daily grind of normal work drains me completely.
My partner and I have been together for 6 years. I’ve told people I would do anything for her, and I would, even die for her if I had to. But when they say “then just go get a job,” it hurts because I wish I could. In reality, I can’t sustain it. I drown. The longer I’m without work, the worse everything gets. I’ve looked into less demanding jobs, but I haven’t been able to find anything decent that works for me.
I tried reaching out to a professional. After only 1-2 visits they labeled it as anxiety and told me to just find another job and push through. I tried to explain that I didn’t think that was the full picture, but it didn’t seem to matter. The system felt like it failed me. Now I’m back to square one.
A kind of cope I’ve had throughout my life since I was maybe 16-17 is that if shit just hits the fan or I run out of money and everything goes to shit, I’ll just off myself. Get rid of the problems quickly and leave this place. It’s not a good cope, and I’m not sure if I would actually have the balls to follow through with it, but I’ve been telling myself this for a long time to get through things.
Every day I have these visions and thoughts, scenarios of me dying. What would that look like? What would happen? What would everyone’s reactions be? I often picture myself hanging there, or flipping the car and driving into a tree, getting cancer or some deadly disease, jumping off a building, and so on. What would I write or tell them? Would I make a goodbye video, a piece of paper? I think about what would happen after I disappear. Is there an afterlife? Or would it just be like before I was born, nothingness? I wish I didn’t have to think about these things, but my current situation keeps pushing me to look for a way out. I haven’t found one that would be lenient on the people around me. I love my family dearly. I can’t imagine putting that pain on them. I don’t want my mother or father to be the ones who lost their son, or my sister to be the one who lost her brother.
Every day I’m drowning in my own thoughts. I know it would actually help my partner financially and with stress if I just stopped existing. Obviously that would hurt her emotionally, and it’s not fair to her or my family, so I’m not going to do it. But after years of this, I don’t really see a clear way out. I don’t know where to go or how to fix things. I wish I could be normal like everyone else, but I’m starting to think it might not be possible for me.
That’s pretty much everything I’m carrying right now. I’m grateful for my partner and the love we have, but I’m tired of feeling like I’m dragging her down while I’m stuck in this loop.