Hello, everyone is Deranged Philosopher in the house.
Anyway it's a straightforward question I wanted to know if my written style and paragraph is too messy, fine enough, or not? I wouldn't know because I'm a beginner and solo so feedbacks would be awesome. Heads up its a multi genre series.
I'll give quick example on my chapter 3:
A cabin.
Outskirts of the city.
Quiet.
Birds chirping-
Peaceful.
...for now.
-
Inside-
Doctor M. Deranged.
Completely professional.
Somehow.
"...Yeah, she'll be fine now, but-"
He looks at Mine.
Wonders.
Blinks.
"...This girl got beaten to smithereens."
He touches the edge of his hat, pulling it down slightly.
"So yeah... best she takes it easy for a couple weeks."
Lubbock exhales-
already knowing that's not happening.
He shakes the doctor's hand.
"Thank you, Doctor M. Deranged."
"Your medical expertise was very life-saving."
The doctor nods, walking toward the door.
"Sure."
A step out-
"...but I doubt this'll be the last time we see each other."
He leaves.
-
Lubbock sits down.
Waiting.
Hoping.
For once.
-
Morning.
Turns into-
Noon.
-
Mine stirs.
"Nn... ngh..."
Her eyelids feel like lead.
"...Wh..."
Her voice barely works.
"...Ugh..."
She forces herself upright-
slow-
unsteady.
Her vision clears.
Fragile.
Disoriented.
Trying to process-
She stands.
Barely.
Walks-
shaking-
She looks at Lubbock.
He looks back.
Awkward.
Neither speaks first.
A beat.
-
Lubbock:
"Oh damn..."
"...Mine... look, it happens to the best of us."
-
Mine:
"Not another word."
She raises a finger.
"I'm getting my getback."
-
Lubbock:
"...I'm sorry-what?"
"After all that?"
-
Mine freezes.
"...What do you mean by 'all that'?"
Offended.
-
Lubbock:
"Look, Mine... I hate to be that guy, but..."
"...he whooped you
good!"
-
Mine snaps.
"SHUT UP!"
"It was the Hoverboots!"
She points at him-
accusing.
"By the way-where were YOU?"
"I didn't see you doing anything."
-
Lubbock:
"Hey-I'm sorry, okay?"
"Everything happened fast!"
"I swear to Lady Liberty I ran as fast as I could-"
"But when I got there, you were already coo-"
-
Mine cuts him off instantly.
"NOT. ANOTHER. WORD."
-
Lubbock raises his hands.
"Mine, please-he launched you like a rocket!"
"That was miles away!"
-
Mine:
"STOP!"
Her eyes burn.
"Time to find him."
"And settle the score."
-
Lubbock:
"...Come on, it's not that serious-"
-
Mine:
"NOT THAT SERIOUS?!"
SMASH-!
She slams a table-
splinters everywhere.
"He HOE'D me, boy!"
SPIN-CRACK-!
The ten-foot clock stand shatters into splinters.
"HOE'D ME!"
-
Lubbock:
"...Yeah-and it's crazy you want a rematch with that nine-foot BEHEMOTH."
-
Mine slowly turns.
Eyes narrowing.
Dangerously.
-
Lubbock freezes.
Sweating.
"...I said too much."
-
Mine:
"Enough."
"We're finding him."
"I'll settle it."
"Even if I have to burn this whole city down."
A beat.
"So arm yourself."
-
Lubbock doesn't argue anymore.
"...Yeah. Got it."
-
Mine stands.
Walks to the door-
KICKS-!
It explodes open.
-
"You better show up this time!"
She steps out-
muttering-
"I swear I'll burn this place down..."
"...I won't let that slide..."
"...I'm getting my payback..."
Lubbock watches her go.
Sighs.
(If you read it thank you. What do you think? Is it readable? Does the energy lands? Does it need work?
Deranged Philosopher out ✌️ 😎.)
If anyone’s interested in seeing her get her getback here’s the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/2293086-the-absurd-world-of-mine/chapter/2307887/