I recently ended a friendship with one of the closest girls in my life. I had known this girl since we were in diapers, and she was my best and pretty much only friend. This girl and I had on-and-off silly fights, and she was very confrontational over things, and I was not. On multiple occasions, I had gotten long paragraphs of her scolding me for things she was not involved in. I was constantly drained by her, and on top of that, I felt like she blamed her issues on me. She was going through a rough time in her life and would constantly complain. I’ve recognized that I need to work on listening and just letting others be vulnerable, but it was just TOO MUCH. I was tired and also dealing with things that I didn’t want to bring up because I felt like she made our problems into a competition. This friend started distancing herself from our other friends and me, but she blamed it on me. She had flat-out texted me that our friends were toxic and she was leaving us. Later, she said that I had left her, and her boyfriend was the only one who loved her. (We’re in high school, so things are going to sound childish, sorry). I was a jerk and complained to our other friends instead of just talking to her. It doesn’t excuse it, but I was just so angry at her for blaming me and leaving me when she knew that she was all I really had. Anyways, fast forward to a few months ago, I get a whole graphic essay about how I’m toxic, and I gossiped about her when I didn’t know what was going on in her life, and she, in great detail, explained to me things that I never knew and were VERY personal. None of these things she was told that I had done were true; they had come from one of her friends who had apparently caught me talking crap about her when I literally just asked how this friend was doing because she wouldn’t talk to me. Some things led me to think she wasn’t safe at home, and I was very concerned. I cleared it up with this girl and told her the truth about how I’ve resented her and felt like she left me. We were fine. Later, my mom got a text from her mom (they were also very close friends) saying that I was a bitch and a liar and a whole lot of other crap. This friend had told her mom a list of horrible things that I did to her (they never happened) and how much of a bitch I was. I was told by my mom to block this girl, and I didn’t have a say in it. It crushed me to end things on such a horrible note without her even knowing why. Still, a couple of months later, I can’t get over it no matter what. I hate it because I’m blaming myself for what happened bc in truth, I was a bitch at times, but I know she was in the wrong, too. A friend of mine is still friends with her, and it stings like hell every time she’s brought up. I’m a pathetic people pleaser, and I’m worried about what she thinks of me now and what she’s telling everyone. I will not speak an ill word about her because I will never again stoop to that level, but I know she’s said some awful things about me. I shouldn’t care, but I do. I miss her even though I shouldn’t. I don’t know how to get over someone I still hear about all the time. Though I know it’s not, I feel like it’s completely my fault. Worst of all, I have to see her soon while attending an event she’ll also be at. I’m very high-anxiety and will literally throw up if I’m around someone I feel uncomfortable with. Yet I still want my best friend back. Please, anyone, what do I do?
Side note: In no way am I blaming this girl for the issues in our relationship. I was also a jerk, and I’m fully aware it takes two to tango.