It's too late, you can't read this anymore. I'm so sorry. I didn't realise how bad things were for you and how bad your health had become.
I'll never know why it felt like you kept me at arms length. I tried to show you I was there. You just had to talk to me. Maybe I should have asked. The one time I leaned on you and you were dismissive, I took that as rejection and completely backed off. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't know your issues and struggles were so deep. I wish you had told me. I wish you'd told me about everything.
You being gone doesn't feel real. My entire life is littered with memories of those who are gone; family, friends, pets. This is the first time it really feels like I'm in someone else' life. I haven't experienced a grief like this. I guess I just always expected to hear from you again one day, it never crossed my mind anyone I grew up with would pass before me. It just seems so senseless and unfair. I just want to grab a meal with you and talk about anything again. Catch up like old times. What I'd give for you to show me around the town you made yours again like when we were kids, or go exploring with you again.
I was always fucking here man. A phone call away. If you'd ever needed me I'd have been there. The distance didn't matter. I hope you knew that. I hope to God or whatever is out there you knew that, you could never have been a burden on me.
I can't stop wondering if I could have done something. Changed something. Said something. I know it's too late. I know it probably wouldn't have made a difference. Why aren't there more pictures of us? Fuck.
Now I'm just flooded with little moments in time of the times we shared in my head, I'm the only one left with those memories.
Rest in peace, Jim.