In the summer of 2015, I had just turned 19 that weekend and back in my home city, visiting my friend at the college I was transferring to for sophomore year.
He was hooking up with a girl who was two years younger than us (17, going to be a senior in high school). He told her and a friend (also 17) to come hang out with us in their apartment. Next thing you know we were all dancing in our underwear passing vodka around. I was dancing with the other girl and it really seemed that she liked me.
My friend and his girl went to their room and hooked up. We were by ourselves and went in and I kissed her. She kissed me back. I didn’t know exactly how drunk she was so I asked her if she wanted to take her underwear off. She said “you take it off.” I took that as a sign as we were both the same amount of tipsy and it was ok. We had sex. She was the first person I had sex with.
Everything seemed ok the next morning. She was a little quiet but hugged me by when her and her friend left, which had me a bit worried like she didn’t enjoy it or I was uglier then she thought or if she had regretted it.
the next few weeks were really strange. I social media stalked her the day after we had sex, and found her twitter. Her newest tweet wrote “Everything is going to be ok.” I didn’t know what it mean and I guess it could mean a lot of things but I could only relate it to us.
When I hung out with my friend and his girl and few weeks later. That night got brought up, and she said “oh yeah that was a weird night huh” I didn’t know what that meant because I thought everything was fine.
Then a few months later, I was hanging with the same friend and some others. And that night got brought up again. He said “oh yeah that night that (my name) r***d her haha.” He said it in a joking way. That completely destroyed me and confirmed all my worries during those months after we had sex that she really thought I did something bad to her.
These past 11 years have been hell, mainly because I had never thought of myself as someone who would hurt any girl. I truly had no intention of hurting her and I never would have done it if I knew she had felt that i hurt her. I’ve actually always been afraid of women, with my own insecurities and lack of confidence, I’m not tall or big, I’m not an intimidating person.
I also feel extremely guilty about the 2 year age gap and that she was just under 18 and I was just over it. I feel like I took advantage of someone who, although only just a year and some change younger than me, didn’t know any better.
The way I’ve seen myself this past decade has been skewed and warped. I’ve barely been able to talk to a woman out of fear and shame. I’ve developed stutters. I’ve become a person my childhood self would be disgusted with. Live with my parents, no true sense of peace or happiness. sometimes I feel like I’m punishing myself because this is what I deserve. I don’t know if I’m justified in feeling this type of guilt. Please help.