Idek anymore...
As the title says, I honestly don’t really know what I’m doing here. Everything I’m about to say has already been said before, and I know there will always be division on this topic. But I guess I just need to say it somewhere.
I’m gay.
What makes this difficult is that my struggle with homosexuality didn’t come from friends, family, or the environment around me. In a way, it came from myself. My family was never especially religious or thoughtful about these things, so most of what I learned about religion came from my own effort. I spent years reading, researching, watching debates, listening to sermons, studying arguments; thousands of hours trying to understand truth as best as I could.
And like everything else in life, there are endless disagreements. But I’m not really here to argue whether same-sex relationships are right or wrong. At this point, I’ve personally concluded they’re wrong based on the arguments I’ve studied.
What I’m struggling with now is how to live.
From where I stand, my choices feel like this:
Follow my heart and knowingly go against God.
Follow God and accept a life of complete loneliness.
What hurts is that people always offer the same answers to option two: “Friendship,” “community,” “you’ll find fulfillment elsewhere.” But none of that actually replaces love. It might ease the pain temporarily, but it doesn’t solve it. It doesn’t change the reality of going through life without romantic love or companionship.
So I feel trapped between two kinds of sadness.
Either I live against my convictions, or I live painfully alone. Neither feels like a real solution.
I’ve prayed about this for years. And sometimes it feels like God has helped me in every area of my life except the one that’s slowly draining it. I don’t want to die, but I don’t really want to live like this either.
What makes it even harder is how I view love itself. To me, love is one of the most beautiful parts of being human. It’s the thing that makes life meaningful. Everything else feels secondary to it. So being told that I’m supposed to live without it forever, and somehow be okay with that, honestly feels crushing.
I don’t really know what I expect from posting this. Maybe I just needed to finally say it out loud.