OFFICIAL MEDIA DISPATCH: THE BANANA REPUBLIC OF ST. SOMEWHERE
THE BANANA REPUBLIC OF ST. SOMEWHERE
OFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL DECREE NO. 004
WHEREAS, the Banana Republic of St. Somewhere is founded upon the principles of the tropical lifestyle, sovereign peace, and the pursuit of a higher latitude of mind; and
WHEREAS, the health and longevity of the Republic depend upon the deliberate slowing of pace and the periodic rejection of the frantic demands of the modern world; and
WHEREAS, it is the duty of the President Eternal to designate times of rest that allow citizens to realign their spirits with the rhythm of the tides and the melodies of the Patron Saint;
NOW, THEREFORE, I, STEPHEN HUDLER, PRESIDENT ETERNAL OF THE BANANA REPUBLIC OF ST. SOMEWHERE, DO HEREBY PROCLAIM AND DECREE THE FOLLOWING:
SECTION I: THE DESIGNATION The Saturday immediately following Mother’s Day (5/16) is officially designated as National Bare Minimum Day. It shall be observed as a primary holiday of rest throughout the Republic.
SECTION II: THE MANDATE OF INACTIVITY From the moment of waking until the hour of slumber, citizens are commanded to do only the bare minimum. All activities of a professional, stressful, or high-effort nature are hereby suspended. Only those tasks deemed absolutely necessary for immediate sustenance, or the maintenance of personal comfort are permitted.
SECTION III: AUTHORIZED RECLINATION For the duration of the holiday, the official posture of the Republic is horizontal or semi-reclined. Citizens are encouraged to utilize hammocks, lawn chairs, or porch swings. Any citizen caught "over-achieving" or performing non-essential labor shall be encouraged to immediately relocate to the nearest shade.
SECTION IV: CULTURAL OBSERVANCE The music of the Patron Saint, Jimmy Buffett, shall serve as the official soundscape for the day. Furthermore, while Landshark Lager remains the Sovereign Beer, the consumption of Margaritas is highly encouraged as a secondary hydration method for those of legal age.
SECTION V: THE SPIRIT OF THE DAY This holiday is intended to honor the transition into the summer season by prioritizing peace over productivity. It is a day for a cold beverage in one hand and absolutely nothing in the other.
DONE under my hand, this 26th day of April, in the year Two Thousand and Twenty-Six.