“If they wanted to they would” but I want to everyday and I don’t
I was with someone for five years who I thought was my forever person. They were pushing me so far away at the end of things I just couldn’t take the pain anymore, I felt I had no choice but to end it. They’re the type who has stayed with exes for years they didn’t like anymore, waiting for them to be the ones to leave so they didn’t have to be the ‘bad guy’. in the end I couldn’t tell if they really wanted to be with me or if they were just keeping me around until they found a solid backup. I never did figure out if it was about their depression and my codependencies or if they chose to be absent because I was no longer their favorite person. I allowed one time back where they came to me and cried, there was not really much accountability about how I felt about anything, and there was still confusion surrounding the reasons why it had gotten so bad for me to walk away and for them to fail to come back for months. I guess in my mind they just let me leave and didn’t fight for us. They reached out again after a family member passed away. Trying not to make it about the failed relationship I chose to be there for them briefly, they asked me to stay but I couldn’t tell if they meant it or just didn’t want to hurt my feelings, I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting myself again thinking there was going to be another chance with us. Especially because they suggested it’s probably better that we move on.. I took that day really hard, sat in the parking lot and bawled my head off in my car for 15 minutes before deciding to go. I believe they watched me cry because they said something after they would only have seen if they had stayed long enough to watch me drive away. how could they just sit there? they could have knocked on my window, done or said anything, but they didn’t. They just let me go. There were a few texts after that but eventually they said not to contact them ever again. I was shocked, but I obliged. They’ve reached out a few times since but I was so broken they would say something like that to me after everything. I was there so many times when I didn’t have to be but I still chose to. It’s been 3 years now and we still haven’t spoke, they’ve likely moved on and I’m still feeling stuck. I haven’t dated or been with anyone else. I’m not sure what to do anymore, their efforts of contact just weren’t enough given what we went through. I think about them everyday and think if they wanted to reach out, they would. But I want to, and I don’t. I feel so alone with this sometimes. Thoughts?