u/ElonKDealer

No post edits! All done in vdmx

Testing

We here at ARE WE COOL YET? Have have been fielding several calls from local community members regarding our recent ritual sacrifice. We want to make it clear the “Virgin” involved was not harmed nor a virgin as commonly termed. Other news outlets have confirmed that ticket winner 9005368 has had sex but it wasn’t at one of our events, he then added that he looks forward to that happening sometime in the future. On the ground reporting confirms he was a virgin in the sense it was his first time drawing blood for a ritual sacrifice.

Furthermore, I can confirm that the sacrificial piñata passed in the must human matter possible. By that I mean violently knocked down and stomped on in a half drunken stupor.

When local door man Casey was reached for comment he said “ It was great and went more smoothly then other he has seen”

Local drum and bass God DJ Crint who both witnessed and participated in the sacrifice was later seen yelling about Clankers.

So while can currently confirm No virgins were harmed physically. We are hearing reports of an intern possibly loosing a finger in the ordeal. Once we can confirm these reports we will publicly shame said intern. The Virgin’s emotional damage has yet to be checked.

We would also like to take this chance to publicly apologize for misreporting about the taco shortage that occurred contrary to our earlier press release. While totally unexpected the ongoing conflict in Iran did affect our taco supply chain. This led to a drastic last minute shortage of tacos for May 5th. If you had been effected by this taco shortage we urge you to attend our May 13 event in your best formal pajamas for a discount on entry and chance to win a 50 bar tab for best dressed pajamas. Otherwise we suggest you write to your local congressional representative about this matter.

-Management

It has come to our attention that they are rumors that several of our interns may have been involved in unlicensed underground taco eating contest in or around the downtown Morgantown area. While we can confirm the reports of people involved have been seen dressed like our mascot “The Rizzler” as depicted in our flyers. We cannot confirm or deny at this point that any of those people dressed like our mascot are active in our organization. Furthermore reports of a taco shortage occurring on or around May 5 because of these contest have been debunked. We are issuing this PSA so the concerned members of our community can be reassured that on Cinco de Mayo, We will have ample tacos and other Mexican delights ( like 4 buck Margaritas ) available at our event at 123 Pleasant St.

In addition, we would like to state that here at Are We Cool Yet? We do not condone such reckless consumption of tacos. We believe that tacos are a wonderful gift for our southern border friends. We believe that tacos should be enjoyed with a fine beer, good friends, and great music . Tacos should not be eaten as quickly as possible, but should be savored at a safe pace. Reckless consumption of tacos at a “as fast as possible pace” should not be encouraged even if such things as “pride”, “bragging rights”, or “proof of who is the bigger taco fan”, is on the line. Such actions can lead to sluggishness on the dance floor and should be avoided.

Here at Are We Cool Yet? We take taco consumption and abuse seriously. While we investigate claims of our interns possible involvement in such eating contests. We assure you if anyone from our organization is involved, we shall shame them and suspend their taco privileges. We will not tolerate such taco abuse on our watch, especially as Cinco de Mayo approaches.

If anyone has more information about these so-called taco eating contest, we encourage you to contact the appropriate taco authorities as we continue our investigation with them. Again we would like to assure the public that there will be ample tacos, 4 buck margaritas, and other Mexican delight available for purchase at 123 Pleasant St. on May 5.

Muchos Gracias

-management