Background: Husband of 2 years has two kids, 7 and 9. I have none. Please grant me some grace if I phrase things poorly or choose the wrong words.
The 9yo regularly has full-on meltdowns/tantrums in the morning prior to taking meds (which is a fight in itself), after school when meds have presumably worn off, and then occasionally at bedtime or in the middle of the night. Bedtime has at least become easier in the past year with the addition of "night meds" that help her shut her brain off, which she doesn't fight taking. It seems pretty clear that meds can be reassessed if there are major gaps in between effects. I DO NOT in my heart-of-hearts think this is her fault or that she is a bad kid for having these difficulties.
My question is about accountability afterwards for her actions/behaviors during her meltdowns. For example, we had plans to go to a fun dinner out and at the last minute, the meltdown starts which prevents us from going despite lots of prep and anticipation. Should there be any expectation of even a modicum of remorse/contrition after things calm down? We all suffered by not only missing a fun activity, but also pretty much skipped dinner. I'm having trouble reconciling "all feelings are okay, but all behaviors are not okay" and "she's 9 and can't control what meds she needs/gets". I know I'm already at a disadvantage because I don't have the benefit of experience with the cute/fun/sweet baby/toddler years to balance things out and my memories are only these tough 2 years. I also see how wild it is to want any sort of apology when I'm the one always sing-songing that "the best apology is changed behavior" and knowing it's not totally in her control. It's just so difficult for me to go to bed with my nervous system feeling shot and then wake up as if I were a goldfish and nothing happened the previous day. Is it really just as simple as "I'm the adult and I just need to forgive/forget and cope"?