I (20M) attend university at a really secluded program ever since I started in medicine. There's only 6 people in my class and we all had to move out really far into the country (most of us are hours away from anyone we know). I really don't get along with anyone particularly in my class except my best friend (21F). She's beautiful, in fact, whenever I mention her that's usually the first thing people say about her, I thought it right when I saw her honestly. The first time she asked me if I wanted to study with her I couldn't even believe someone like her would offer it (seriously, I'm underselling how downright gorgeous she is for the sake of text-efficiency).
At first we started off kind of like siblings and I always respected her friendship. She had a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend, everything was awesome. However, about 2 months into moving for school my girlfriend broke up with me, and that's when she became more physical. She would ask for hugs a lot, tell me "I love you" and telling me she thinks I look handsome. It moved further though, we started spending tons of time together. She started getting jealous when I talked about other girls, even if I didn't show romantic affection towards them. I never escalated though, I never wanted to be the reason she cheated on her boyfriend.
One night when were studying until around 2 AM, she asked me if I wanted to stay the night. I declined, said "I don't want to sleep on the floor" to which she replied, "No, up here with me" and I excused myself shortly after and left. Deep down, I really wanted to. I had to leave because I was worried about what might happen. A couple weeks after that, we took a break as friends. Stopped seeing each other, mainly because of me. I knew I was catching feelings for her. As I mentioned, I moved very far away from anyone and everyone I knew and I quickly realized that she was my only friend, I was painfully lonely going days without speaking to people. I was so lonely it put me into a deep depression which nearly ended my academic career entirely.
I decided to text her again, and we started hanging out, all the time, unhealthy amounts of time just like old times. This time she was much quicker to escalate though. Whenever we'd drive in the car, we'd hold hands (always her initiation). We started holding hands everywhere in fact. She started asking me to cuddle her when we'd watch movies on the couch. This made everything so much worse, I'm beginning to lose control of myself I feel like. But it escalated even further, she told me "I'd have sex with you honestly, if you just asked I would," and that's when it all became irrefutable. It wasn't just a flirtatious, touchy friend. It had to be more, she had to like me back (something almost no girl ever has towards me).
I feel myself now begging for her to initiate, and when she doesn't sometimes I nearly do. I almost never stop her anymore when she initiates. Sometimes when she gets drunk I help her to get home safely and make sure she makes it to her bed, and as I'm walking her home she'll kiss me on the neck over and over again, hundreds of times. At first I usually stop her, but after a while I'm never able to and just let it happen.
She came over to my place recently, she was crying. We both had a really ugly exam score. She asked for a hug and I extended my arms and as I wrapped my arms around her it felt so right, like every single other moment of my life was incomparable to just holding her in my arms again. I blurted out "I love you so much" and she said back "I love you too, [my name]" and I swear I felt tears well up in my eyes.
I have such strong feelings for her, I can't control them and I'm worried. I can't stop being friends with her because I'll have no one and go back to that depressive state I was in, but if I stay friends with her I'm continuing to facilitate her cheating. I'm so stressed. I'm practically crying all the time now. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell her boyfriend, her boyfriend who has quite literally been nothing but good to her and me. Her boyfriend who was there for me when I was sick and in the hospital, always kind and trying to help me. I feel like such a sick, twisted, evil person. I wish I wasn't alive so they could just be together without interference from me. I wish I was able to say no, move away, or scream or do anything to get away from this position. Deep down though, I want her so bad. I've been so lonely since I moved here and I'm going legitimately insane, but facilitating this cheating makes me feel like an evil person. I need help.
Edited because the text was quite chunked together and I felt like it needed separation for easier reading and viewing pleasure. I will do my best to reply to everyone, and I appreciate any and all advice you can give!