Trapped in an abusive relationship because of a child I love but didn’t legally adopt — 8 years in and I don’t know how to get out
Some background: I went through a devastating marriage that ended in multiple pregnancy losses and then discovering my husband was arranging to meet his ex for sex. Eight months after my divorce, I invited an old friend — a single dad raising his 15-month-old daughter alone — to a family dinner. That little girl and I clicked instantly.
We eventually started dating, he moved in, and she became my daughter in every way that matters. Raising her has been the greatest gift of my life and everyone who knows her says she’s an exceptional, caring, grateful kid. I’d like to think I had something to do with that.
The problem is her father.
He has extreme mood swings, I can’t speak my mind about politics religion or anything in interested in and over the years has become aggressive and physically violent with me like grabbing me. I’ve stayed because I love her and I’ve been determined to be a stable, protective presence in her life. But I’m miserable.
Every time I try to leave, he tells me I’ll never see her again — and he says it in front of her. I feel completely held captive.
Here’s the legal piece: I consulted with attorneys and I can legally become her mother — but only if I marry him. I believe he structured it that way deliberately.
I don’t want to marry this man. I want out. But I also can’t walk away from her, and I genuinely worry about what his mood and temper will mean for her if I’m not there.
So I’m stuck between two impossible options:
• Leave, lose her, and worry about what she’s exposed to without me there
• Stay, keep being abused, and model a toxic dynamic for the child I’m trying to protect
Has anyone navigated anything like this legally or emotionally? I’m in the US. Any insight — legal angles I haven’t considered, how others have handled the grief of this kind of loss, anything — would mean a lot right now.