u/Electrical-Onion8855

Alright, earlier today I made a post about.. a lot. Most of you didn't bother to read that cause it was too fucking long.

That's really fair to be honest.

Anyways, I decided I should open up to my parents and tell them I am seriously considering killing myself. So I went up to my dad and laid it all out.

His answer:

"Well, you're going to be sorely disappointed because you're gonna find out that there's an afterlife and you're gonna keep suffering. So you wanna make that bet? You're about to lose it."

That's his answer when hearing I'm planning to kill myself.

I mean, I didn't expect him to like it or even understand it. And I get that it's a really difficult thing for him to hear. But would never guess that would be his answer. I'm just making a bet that I'm going to lose kkkkkkkk. And now he's just there non chalantly listening to some right wing bullshit on YouTube..

Guess who's never gonna open up to him anymore?

It's 6 a.m. here, almost 7. I didn't sleep shit, just rolled around fantasizing, in my own little fake world. And now my whole week is ruined because I fucked up my internal clock and it will be days till I recover my already shitty sleep schedule. I usually sleep from midnight to midday. Sometimes, like recently, even more. Why, you ask? Because I don't like being awake. Because being asleep is the closest I get to being dead. And the feeling of being dead comforts me.

I feel like I'm on my limit here. LIMIT BREAK! I'm 28, turning 29 on August and I'm not looking forward to it. There's something wrong inside of me, something broken. Something that makes it impossible for me to feel real joy. Whenever I go, whatever I do, there's always something accompanying me. And it doesn't matter what I try, it always looks me directly in my eyes and it shakes its head and it says "NO". And it's not audible, but I can read its lips and I can see its wretched smile.

This thing is everywhere I go, it's on anyone's faces, it's always behind me, it's even inside the walls. And I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried therapy, I've tried meds, I've tried even spiritual help and fucking hell I don't even believe in that shit.

From time to time, my father says the following: "I don't understand, when you were just a boy, a very little one, you used to be happy, you laughed, you told jokes, you played around. And then, suddenly, you changed, like night and day, you were introspective, you stopped laughing, you got more irritated, you just changed". And it breaks my fucking heart. Because I don't know what happened either. Because my father could've had a better child, one that he could really be proud of, but instead he has me. A fucking loser. A loner. A non-achiever. A good for nothing. A FUCKING PARASITE.

Again, I tried what I could.

I was raped when I was 6 years old. By a teenage cousin, in the course of a week. Somehow I blocked this entirely from my mind. And it only came back to me when I was 18, living in the big city, in college. And it was fucking devastating for my parents. But I went to therapy and I really got through it. I can talk about this really openly nowadays, with no shame at all. I don't even have any ill will towards the rapist anymore. So this is not it!!!!!! I really thought it was, but it's not.

I was also bullied a lot, because I was overweight and had (still have) long hair. And they called me names, and they threatened me. This one kid threatened me from Year 1 to Year 8. Almost every single fucking day. I tried to talk, I tried to ignore, I even tried to bully others so I could finally take the focus out of me. Nothing worked. I changed schools on High School. Same thing, solved this through therapy, don't even have any more bad thoughts about the bully.

And there's still something that is fucking wrong!!!!

I always knew I was different from the other kids, but I could never really put my finger in it. Something that made me not really relate to them. I always knew something was wrong inside my head.

So maybe my brain developed in a wrong way. Maybe some connections were made that shouldn't. Or maybe it's just my real personality that bloomed and showed its face.

Years of therapy, a dozen different meds with 0 effect on me.

I'm fucking 28 and I'm tired. I can't take it anymore and I will kill myself within one year. I feel like a countdown has commenced in my mind. I thought about jumping a bridge, about slicing my wrists, about putting a bullet in my brain stem, about hanging, about drinking poison. Hell, I thought about reacting to a robbery and hoping the person would shoot me in the head.

And you wanna know why I think I won't live to see 30?

Because I recently found out about a painless method to do it and I fucking smiled!!! I felt like a huge boulder was lifted from my shoulders. I felt lighter. Just knowing the possibility to have a dignified end made me feel better. And that's how I know. That I should finally rest.

I give up.