I am a christian mom, I need advice
I'm postpartum. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy last week. My first baby, the first grandchild in my husband's family. To give you some context, my mother passed away when I was six, and I'd never really missed her until now. Before giving birth, I could talk about her without any problem, but now I can't stop thinking, "If only she were here!"
I feel silly because my husband and mil are taking such good care of me and the baby, but I feel ungrateful. My mil isn't a bad person. She's kind, of course, but like all mothers, she always has something to say about everything we do with the baby. It's not out of anger, but she talks all the time, and that's the one thing I don't like about her. Every time she does something, I miss my mother. I keep thinking, "If only she were here!" “
The problem started at the hospital. We had just given my baby a bottle, but he didn't finish it. My husband gave the baby the bottle, and after he insisted but refused to finish, he went to wash the bottle. My mil, holding the baby, then declared that he was still hungry and that we shouldn't have washed the bottle. She repeated it five times, and that's when I snapped. I yelled at my mil, and since then, I've been more discreet around her to avoid saying anything stupid. Our relationship isn't the same anymore. We discussed the problem once, and it seemed to be resolved, but the day before yesterday, I yelled at her again because of a comment she made.
Deep down, I know that if my mother acted the way she did, even yelling, I would be able to handle it, but now, I don't know how anymore.
Despite everything, she takes good care of me and the baby. I think the problem also stems from the fact that I don't like it when people constantly comment on everything I do.
And then, I have the baby blues: I'm afraid I don't know how to take good care of my baby. I question everything, even the smallest details. I'm breastfeeding, and sometimes my milk doesn't come in, and I worry about everything. When the baby was born, I didn't immediately feel an immense love for him; I just felt liberated, but I love him. When I take care of him now, I know I love him. But sometimes, intrusive thoughts cross my mind, like: what if he falls when I'm holding him, or if I drop him? Things like that.
Yesterday, my husband came to talk to me and said he didn't know what to do about the relationship between his mother and me. I know he's trying to reconcile us, and he's giving me lots of advice on how to get over the baby blues. He prays with me, we're doing everything right, but I think the problem is with me. Maybe I'm grieving for my mother, I don't know anymore. He even said I thought his mother was useless, incompetent.
After that, I had thoughts like we'd end up getting divorced or something like that, that if I died now, it wouldn't matter. I was doing the dishes and I saw a knife. I thought: what if I stabbed myself in it? Then I washed the same knife, and it accidentally gave me a small scratch on my hand and a drop of blood. I don't know why, but it made me feel better. He also told me I needed to eat well to get better, and in my mind, wouldn't it be better if I died? (I didn't say anything to him.)
I am a Christian; praise comforts me when I'm really struggling, but I need advice on how to get through this.