Stopping Dialysis at 21
I’m 21 and honestly thinking about stopping dialysis. I got diagnosed w lupus when I was 11, like a year after moving to the US. Growing up my dad was absent + abusive and my mom was emotionally abusive too, and most of the time no one rlly paid attention to me except my older brother sometimes. Ever since I was younger my main goal was always just to get a college degree and in 9 days I’m finally graduating, but honestly getting here took everything out of me. Senior year of high school I went into kidney failure and had to start hemo and that period completely destroyed my mental health. I barely left the house the entire time I was on it and even back then I remember not wanting hemo, but it never rlly felt like my choice. I got into my dream school too but I turned it down bc I was severely depressed and had no financial help from my family. Thank god I had good grades and got a scholarship somewhere else bc throughout undergrad I had to work multiple jobs at the same time just to support myself. Then sophomore year my kidneys failed again. I switched to PD and was on it for around 2 years but physically I still felt myself getting worse. Recently I got an infection at my PD site and had to get another hemo cath placed. The thing is I never wanted to go back on hemo. When my older brother found out I didn’t want another cath he yelled at me and cussed me out. My friends keep telling me to stay and keep fighting but I don’t think ppl understand how exhausted I am. I live alone and support myself financially. I don’t even have a car. When I was healthier I could rely on public transportation but now every part of trying to stay alive feels impossible to manage. Dialysis schedules, transportation, trying to work enough to survive, my health declining, it feels like my whole life has become trying to borrow more time. There’s not even a nearby nocturnal center accessible to me either. I did my first session back at the center recently and cried the entire night after. It just felt unbearable emotionally. I genuinely don’t know how else to explain it. And what hurts is despite everything my family put me through I still love them. My mom is visiting me soon and I’m planning to stay through graduation and until after she leaves, but after that I honestly don’t know what I want anymore. I feel like I’ve tried my best for so long. I stayed alive through things I genuinely didn’t think I’d survive. I worked for everything I have while being sick and alone most of the time bc I wanted to make something of myself. But I’m tired. I think that’s the simplest way to put it. I’m just tired. I think part of why I’m posting is bc I genuinely don’t know what the best way to go about stopping dialysis is and what needs to be done medically/logistically if someone decides they can’t keep doing it anymore. I’m exhausted and trying to understand what my options even are. I’m not posting this bc I want ppl to convince me to stay alive or bc I haven’t thought this through. I'm not depressed I'd be a really happy person if I didn't have to go through this. I was relatively happy on PD. I’m content w the life I lived and I genuinely tried my best to live a good life. I think I’m mostly trying to understand the best and most peaceful way to go about this if I decide to stop dialysis. Sorry for going on for so long but there is so much to the circumstance