u/El-Vertabreako

"I am the Ripper" (2004) - This no budget, indie French horror has to be among the most chaotic and frantic edited thing that I have seen in a long, long while. Watching this felt like mainlining the Bourne franchise while also on a 3 week bender and cracking into the second case of energy drinks this morning. This whole thing is so lost in the saucy of it's own frantic pace that whole scenes are ruined and left almost unwatchable, much less understandable constantly. For most of the run time I could only guess as to what the fuck was actually happening much less begin to try to suss out the subtle nuance of the actors performance.

From my best guess this all starts off with a bunch of friends at an oddly saucy party one of them is hosting at their apartment. At some point the Grim Reaper himself shows up and just starts killing everyone as one does. People try to leave only to find that exiting one door only leads to entering another in the same apartment. All the while the soundtrack plays short clips from random metal songs. Eventually there is only one guy left, and he becomes a junior Grim Reaper (i.e. the "Six Feet Under" TV show) for some reason. Some of it seems to be a dream so again, I am just guessing.

Well turns out our soul survivor now has to kill someone he's close too as a test of loyalty for reasons. He chooses his ex-girlfriend, but when he comes face to face with her she convinces him not to do it. He lies to his Grim Reaper coworkers and says he killed her but that turns out to be the wrong answer to some morality test. Things break down from there and eventually it's nothing but immortal guys shooting each other with guns that never need reloading till occasionally one of them stays down for some reason. This is the type of thing best left for the most hardcore bad movie sadist out there and best avoided by everyone else.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2MyR4Hlor8&t=1838s

"Crackcoon" (2024) - It's right there in the title. A raccoon eats a bunch of crack and goes on a rampage. Mostly that means they throw a gnarly looking raccoon puppet at someone and then that person holds it against themselves and act like it's killing them. Think "Cocaine Bear" (2023) meets "Critters" (1986) and you get the general idea. Throw in some nudity from the always amazing Jessa Jupiter Flux on top of all the bloody kills and this is just a pile of dumb fun. Gather your bad movie buddies, along with your favorite intoxicants, and enjoy this absurdly violent and idiotic little flick.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjGvQnF1vYI

"Battlefield Baseball" (aka "Jigoku Kōshien") (aka "Battlefield Stadium") (aka "Hell Stadium) (2003) - As I do not watch the game of baseball my knowledge of it's rules and regulations is not exactly what I would call 'all encompassing'. To be honest most of my knowledge at this point stems watching the trailer to the Matt LeBlanc vehicle "Ed". You know the 1996 comedy about a chimp playing baseball starring Matt LeBlanc ("Lost in Space" 1998) and Jim 'I'm totally not letting the fact I played Jesus go to my head or anything' Caviezel ("The Count of Monte Cristo" 2002), that one. Well what I mean is that I don't know much about the game of baseball, but even with my admittedly limited knowledge I am still certain the game is not played the way it is in this movie. If it was I would watch baseball.

The best way I can describe this movie for those who have yet to see it would be to call it a cousin to Stephen Chow "Shaolin Soccer" (2001) but with more of the focus on the absurd action over the game itself. Based on the popular manga; "Gataro Man", this movie feels ever bit a live-action version of adaption of that media. By that I mean everything is over-the-top, highly exaggerated, and can even dive head first into the surreal or even parody at times. Seido High School baseball team are all killed by an evil team of blue-faced zombies, so a new team must be assembled of plucky under-dogs to fight them. Can the mysterious new guy with his lethal 'Super Tornado' pitch and ironically tragic backstory (obviously played by Tak Sakaguchi) save the day? I guess you will have to watch it yourself to find out.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a little Butter and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y20MxrkOztY

"Brutal Relax" (2010) - This one is only 15 minute long but somehow is able to cram in even more over-the-top, bloody, and dare I say even zaniness than "Brico Killer". Again I don't want to spoil the story but just know it involves a gentleman trying to remain calm at a beach the same day zombies from the sea attack, and things only get crazier from there. The violence and gore is so over-the-top as to be cartoonish, and I love every minute of it. So check it out and show all your friends (well maybe not ALL your friends, but definitely the cool ones).

1 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/f-6znWUbWWw?si=e3-wQ4nmhxbFPbvL

Due to stopping a movie early due to it's use of A.I. slop we revisit a pair of hilariously over-the-top, dark humor fueled, horror short films by Spanish director Adrián Cardona ("Kombate Brutal" 2002). Here is my review of:

"Brico Killer" (2007) - Crammed into 19 minutes is a story about a repairman pushed over the edge. I don't want to give to much away but just imagine a mix of "Falling Down" (1993), "Deranged" (1974), and "Dead Alive" (aka "Braindead") (1992) and you get the idea. It's bloody, it's violent, and it's awesome! If you enjoy all that you need to check it out.

1.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/XZyQriSfA2U?si=zr03C1ZlyUpOYYGc

"Immortal Combat" - Well it finally happened. The Asylum has stopped using vast amount of stock footage in all their movies to pad out the run times. The issue is they replaced it with low quality A.I. which is far, far worse. The infamously cheap knockoff factory of a studio may even have used it in the script writing process as far as I know, but that remains unverified. It would go far to explain the many confusing decisions made throughout the film but I would be lying if that was something I couldn't say about other Asylum movies.

My bad movie group ended up stopping the film due to all the A.I. slop but before we did the story was well on it's way to being one of their worst. The general idea is a company, presumably in the near future, uses a time-machine to kidnap historical figures and then force them to fight to the death to what end I have no idea. Some of the people they grab kinda make sense (i.e. Shaka Zulu, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan), others not so much (i.e. Cleopatra), but you get the idea. The good news is there are plenty of old A.I. free Asylum flicks out there to watch and riff full of cheap CGI and all the stock footage you could want.

X / 5 - Did not finish watching it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnbQKFiwNhs

“Boardinghouse” (1982) - Shot in just two weeks in 1981 on an estimated budget of only $10,000, this supernatural slasher would be director John Wintergate first time behind the camera. Having previously only acted once in 1980s “Terror on Tour”, Wintergate would also star, write, and handle the makeup/special effects for the film. He would eventually end up having to spending an additional $35,000 to get the video blown up to 35mm for its theatrical release. In doing so he made history as this movie is the very first feature length, shot on video film to be released in theatres.

As the title suggests this movie takes place at a boardinghouse, but not just any old boardinghouse, this one’s haunted. The previous scene of a gruesome murder, Wintergates somewhat eccentric new age character reopens the house and puts out an ad for hot young ladies looking for a place to stay. Soon Wintergate is wearing only speedos and sleeping with all the ladies (one of which is played by his real wife wife Kalassu, who herself is the films second unit director and composer), people start hallucinating and turning up dead. If any of that insanity sounds like your type of crazy then check this out. Gather your bad movie buddies, horror aficionados, and favorite intoxicants, and enjoy.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a lot of Butter and Free Refills

https://youtu.be/uudAPNiIeMk?si=8dlFDINfE32AO2ZP

“Infra-Man” (1975) - What can I say that hasn’t already been said about this totally insane, action-packed, colorful, cult classic? Most of you reading this have likely already seen it or are at least aware of it, even if only via clips. For those who are unfamiliar just imagine if the Power Rangers were filmed in the mid seventies in Hong Kong and were directed by a pile of cocaine and explosives and you get the idea. A guy is transformed into a cyborg superhero who uses lasers and martial arts (not to mention his ‘Thunderball fists’) to fight monsters that can grow to kaiju size and are lead by the evil Princess Dragon Mom.

Originally inspired by the highly popular Japanese tokusatsu TV series “Ultraman: A Special Effects Fantasy Series” (1966) and “Kamen Rider” (1971) the movie would go on to leave its own legacy. Made by the famous Shaw Brothers studio the movie was actually the very first superhero film ever made in China. It was also the first film promotion in Hong Kong to use a hot air balloon for marketing, as well as the first Shaw Brothers production that used a storyboard. The film can also lay claim to the ‘most decapitations done to a single character award’ though admittedly my research on that topic is speculative.

As far as the story itself goes, Princess Dragon Mom (aka Demon Princess Elzebub) emerges from her underground kingdom to rule Earth. To accomplish this she brings along her previously mentioned monsters, numerous skeleton minions (who would inspire the Bone Crew on the Netflix era of MST3K), mind control and magic. A genius scientist then creates Infra-Man, using a human volunteer and a lot of bionics, to stop her. So if you enjoy over-the-top cartoonish action, guys fighting in rubber suits, henshin/transformation scenes, and a whole lot of explosions then check this out. It’s a cult classic for a reason.

3 / 5 Golden Kernels

https://youtu.be/f0DaF_PjZCc?si=sdrLCJjlsYtzDIu5

“Treasure Raiders” (2007) - This is basically an Eastern European “Fast and the Furious” mixed with a Black Templar themed “The DaVinci Code” knockoff featuring a cast of familiar faces slumming it for rubles. Filmed in and around Moscow our cast includes the likes of David Carradine, Sherilyn Fenn, Andrew Divoff, and a bodybuilder named Wolf who owns his own dance club and steals drugs from international criminals (who look like evil Shaggy) while illegally street racing. You see our main character is a college professor who illegally street races to raise money for his research into the Templars. He specifically is searching for a long lost priceless treasure and as such has attracted some bad attention.

Now the movie has a lot of issues, from the acting to direction, but mostly it’s the script that stands out. It feels like they shoved street racing into a treasure hunt story, or maybe it was the other way around. The two different concepts end up fighting each other for screen time, robbing the audience of more of either story. This does have the benefit of leaving the movie hilariously patchy, just full of plot holes and info dumps, and just really dumb. So grab your bad movie buddies, your favorite intoxicants, and check this flick out.

2 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bidLAVssARk&t=5128s