u/Either-Still-9957

I'm on my 4th year and I hate my PhD so much. I hate the experience. I hate my work and how pointless it seems. I hate everything. I feel stupid. I can't tell if I'm burnt out or just lazy. I don't want to be here anymore but I've come so far so now I can only move forward. I developed severe anxiety because of this stupid degree. Sometimes I wish I've never done it. My supervisors are giving me 0 feedback. I did this shit by myself and it sucks so bad, and I'm expected to defend it. I cringe so bad whenever I see my papers. Man, I hate everything about this degree. I still think about quitting but it's pointless to consider because it will look stupid quitting when I'm this close to finishing. I just hope I close this chapter soon, go get a job, and forget this whole shit show.

I literally feel scared and anxious all the time. It's so exhausting. I try to fight it but it feels like it's almost embedded in me. My job makes me so scared and anxious. I can barely check my email inbox. Making decisions overwhelms me. I quickly panic. Changes in my routine literally make me want to cry. I feel like a failure. I see other people living their lives with so much more grace for themselves and I'm so jealous of them. My heart is almost always racing. I don't know what to do anymore. Life feels very tiring and I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. It doesn't help that I wasn't always like this, I keep mourning who I was when I was more confident and at peace with myself. I wish I could get some of that back. If anyone has been through this and knows a way out, please let me know. I want to be braver and stronger but I don't know how to do it.