u/Eggshells_Kimmie

I've recently seen a lot of people complaining about the recaps and saying they need to end.

No.

It's called a curse for a reason.

Endure.

Last time on The Adventure Zone Royale: a mansion, approaching zombies with suspiciously weak stats, hordes of zombies blessedly treated as a single creature. Killing anything draws zombies. The theoretical alliances of the previous episode dissolved instantly. A red barrier prevents access to the second floor but the power source has been located in an office. A particularly large corpse mound and/or zombie horde interrupted.

We begin.

• Maxfun plug. If I can spare $5 a month I can keep the show rolling and get this year's bonus episode.
  • Perhaps I am spoiled by patreons but that seems a piddling reward. And I am usually one to argue for funding artists purely for the sake of their art. Also why would I want to keep this show rolling?
• Recap via audio clips.
• The theme song continues to play in my nightmares.
• Justin loves and will miss playing Loravith. Gets excited to record because of the character.
  • Could have fooled me.
• Griffin has no idea what everyone's characters will do.
  • Loravith will bluster and do as little as possible unless there is an easy win or it involves Weed Joke, Rictus will swap motives and backstories in a desperate attempt to retain his station as the main character, Helgramit will scheme and plot to ensure his own survival, it isn't that complicated.
• "Rictus is out here battling his inner demons" "yeah, sure" "And he's trying not to be an evil murderer"
  • Could have fooled me. And that "yeah, sure" says so much.
• Recap. Justin interrupts to note that Clint has rearranged his area and it's distracting and he isn't easily distracted.
• Final Spider and Tommy Falcon are dead.
• Loravith is on the library ceiling. He saw the barrier rune in the office, corpse mound is following Burger Man.
• Natter, Vart overplays the joke and is met with silence.
• Perception, advantage, 13 and 9. Door will break soon under the corpse mound assault. Burgerman is screaming inside the office.
• Justin casts Shield on himself and slams into the corpse mound.
  • I know I shouldn't complain about rules but Shield is a reaction, not a proactive move.
• Attack with advantage: 14 and 18. Falling damage given to the corpse mound. 1d10 plus unarmed damage. 11 total. Dead get more dead, mound is at less than half.
• Bonus action large form. Also the corpse mound is prone.
• Corpse Mound attacks, even with shield hit lands. Travis is amazed Justin has a base AC of 9. Justin gets defensive about it.
• Zombie bite, 22 damage. Con save DC 15, natural 1. Travis is still stuck on the AC.
• 9 damage, necrotic, continuing until save.
• Another attack, failure.
• Burgerman greases the area under the corpse mound.
• Shift to western side of the mansion. Scorpo, Rictus, Pranklin, Helgramit, servant's quarters, Skorpo running, huge corpse mound arriving.
• Another Corpse Mound approaches from the kitchen. There are unblocked exits to the dining room and stables.
• Helgramit says Loravith is in great danger in the library and moves to the dining room, necessitating he pass by two of the American Gladiator ripoffs if he wants to move to the library.
• Stalling, Clint casts Misty Step to bypass them. He does not exit to the library but tells Loravith he is on his way.
• Rictus is up. He casts the Gentleman's Time Stop.
• Griffin begins adjudicating. A 9th level spell will cost 9 spell slots. Not how that works. Or it can be attempted at 3rd level with a wisdom saving throw. Rictus casts it at 3rd level.
• Wisdom Saving Throw DC 17. 14. Rictus is stuck in a bubble of frozen time.
• Pranklin makes his save and manages to pull Rictus back into normal time. Perception check: 18, Rictus sees an image of Death within the time bubble. Time has passed, Skorpo is being attacked by the corpse mound.
• Rictus gets another action. Because that last one was....
  • Another action, for failure, after explicitly noting time has passed. This is beyong ignoring the rules and fully into catering entirely to Vart.
• Rictus grabs Skorpo and casts Thunder Step to retreat. Con Save DC 14, failure, 18 damage to Corpse Mound. The other corpse mound has arrived from the kitchen, Rictus retreats to the dining room. the remaining Gladiator Zombies are approaching.
• Loravith. Much discussion of the greased up undead.
• Loravith will attempt to join Burgerman in the office. Contested Strength Check: Burgerman 12. Justin rolls a 1. But there was also an 11 in there (I presume another roll that didn't count or something?). "11 is close enough to 12". Door budges somewhat. Loravith climbs the wall with his still active spider climb. Zombies remain fixated on Loravith.
• Travis seems particularly fixated on getting on mic this episode.
• Burgerman bolts for a door away from the Corpse Mound. The red rune in the office presumably powering the forcefield to the second level is visible.
• The whole of this is not in initiative. So extra actions mean nothing. Justin is confused.
• Justin, correctly, points out that the Grease spell is non flammable. Much natter and then....
• "I don't want to embarass you guys." "I already am! I'm playing Dungeons and Dragons professionally Justin, how much more embarassed can I be?"
  • Fuck. off. Fuck all the way off. Fuck off as far as you imagine possible and then continue to fuck off. May your gacha pulls reach pity and always fail the 50/50. May your connections always stutter in games, your streams remain joyless and your favorite franchises be destroyed by corporate greed. May your weed be of poor quality.
• Justin heads for the door to the office, diving for the rune and aiming to fly out the window. Something about a cape.
• Much natter about the cape. Loravith rolls an arcana check, natural 1. He believes the symbol will give him a cape. Steps into the symbol.
• Corpse Mound gets frenzied. Barriers go down.
• Library shelves move to reveal a stairway to the balcony. Justin is unimpressed and wants to look in the desk because he didn't get anything.
• Investigation Check: 16, argument about whether the corpse mound can cross the room in time.
• A fountain pen is found. This is a joke. Vial of red liquid is found, this is not the joke. 6 points Necrotic damage, Charisma saving throw to fight off the zombie plague. 3. Failure. He drinks the vial.
• Why is a cape so much the focus right now?
• Potion of Healing (superior), 35 HP healed, poison persists.
• Piano strings are being scratched, light piano music plays as we go to the ads. It persists for a while.
• Ads, skipping.

As per tradition, personal updates: I was up until 1 am cuddling with an Australian catgirl in a clifftop cabin overlooking an icelandic beach during an unending sunset. A six winged slime catgirl induced gay panic in me in something like ten seconds. Cosplay progress (The Silent, Slay the Spire 2) is going reasonably well. I am surrounded by brilliance and art and astounding people and I am incredibly lucky in this respect. The Australian called me this morning to keep me company while I was getting ready for work.

My D&D game is going wonderfully well, I even died temporarily and there was an amazing bit of roleplay to go with it. DM has some loose rules around inspiration and those were bent hard to give us a chance at all getting home alive. Monologuing, genuine pathos, a risk of death that would come down to one roll, and the chance for me to reject my own resurrection. Looking back it was a little cheesy at points sure, but I'll take slightly cringe lines played sincerely over detached irony any day.

• We return.
• Helgramit ducks into the library, then ducks into the drawing room. He hears the piano strings. The room is wrecked. A gigantic zombie, the gnome Pip, is banging on the piano.
  • It is noted his hat does not change size. Despite the giant hat being how he was spotted by Loravith. Because what is 'funniest' in the moment is always best I guess. Also I guess they still have their spells? Despite those presumably being in the crystals? Or did the crystals just copy the knowledge of the spell? Why do I care?
• Natter.
• Helgramit can infer that the piano is occupied but does not know who is in there.
• Helgramit uses Thri-Kreen telepathy to figure out who it is. He laments this as he realizes he has to help or Weed Joke will tell Loravith. Helgramit continues to be the only even vaguely real character in this game.
• Infestation on Pip, maggots for preference. Con save, 13, failure, 8 damage and Pip also gets moved away. He is knocked out the window by random chance.
• Pip aggros to Helgramit and then leaves. Weed Joke is extracted from the piano.
• Weed Joke points out he could have just been immolated. Helgramit agrees but decides to move on, heading for the second floor.
• Rictus has pursuing waves of zombies and two regular zombies. Pranklin is blocking the doors they came through, leaving routes to the library and the north of the house open.
• Rictus casts Animate Dead on one of the repeatedly dead Gladiators. Griffin did not account for this.
• Okay now we are counting actions? The re-re-risen zombie is ordered to run interference.
• Arcana Check: 1. The new zombie appears to be drawing aggro from the old zombies. All those living move to the north hallway.
• There are doors, and a stairway up. Hippocrates and Hasty Jane are in the hallway. HJ is bludgeoning Hippocrates to death with a candlestick.
• Rictus sounds concerned.
• Jane stammers an explanation and flees upstairs.
  • Why do you need to explain why you killed someone in a death game?
• Hippocrates isn't dead yet. Rictus offers the vial he got from Hippocrates, that won't help. Hip asks to be moved. Rictus tells Skorpo and Pranklin to carry him.
• Pranklin is barricading the way they've come, gives a thumbs up. Insight check, 1, Rictus is sure he means "cool door huh?"
• Skorpo and Rictus start to haul Hip up the stairs. Perception Check: 21. There is a loud crash and ape noises as Corpse Mound and Pranklin intersect.
• "That's my boy!" Why?
• Rictus wishes to cast Time Stop, burning all of his spell slots to do so. 8 slots available, 9 needed. It is cast at 3rd level with a saving throw, which Rictus fails. Number not recorded.
• Travis pleads with apparent sincerity to burn the rest of his spell slots for Pranklin.
• Travis offers to delete his cantrips as well.
• Pranklin is being ripped to shreds by the Corpse Mound and Rictus can only watch.
  • If I cared this might be harrowing.
• Death appears, he is more sarcastic than last time, mocks Rictus for calling himself a master of death and time. Which I don't recall him doing, I recall Griffin saying it.
• Rictus is dragged for continuing the family legacy of thinking they can control powers beyond them. Death is disappointed, he can appear because they are outside of time.
• Bad things will happen if he keeps using time stop without being able to control it.
• Rictus is having feelings about hubris, Master/Servant relationships, wanting to be a conduit rather than a control panel.
• Rictus has been looking forward to the Necromancy Challenge but this is a bastardization of his understanding of the discipline.
  • So this is motivation... 24?
• Insight check: natural 20. Death blocks the view of Pranklin, Rictus does not fear Death ahead of him. Griffin attempts to be inducing a character arc. Rictus wants to help Pranklin.
• Death can't keep helping if Rictus won't forsake his father and follow Death. Death needs an assurance.
• Rictus' ancestor ghosts who have popped up a few times are snagged by Death. Lecture about the mind not meant to persist eternally.
  • So there is no natural afterlife, only oblivion? This is how you get liches.
• Rictus trades two family members, one of whom helped him repeatedly, for a competitor whom he will have to kill. And he's supposed to be heroic in this?

Shit sucks. Fuck this. Long day at work. My campaign has an interlude coming up that will probably make for a bad podcast but a fun evening with friends.