Can I Please Have Advice On How To Be Hurt Without Hurting Others?
Hi, I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. I’m a 23 year old woman, and I have a lot of baggage I’m trying to sort through metaphorically.
My parents are both still alive, I know they both love me and tried their best with me. That being said, I really wish they had never had children. They were like irresponsible dog owners, wanting the furry friend without realizing that the responsibility of owning a dog is a massive undertaking, which inevitably leads to an untrained, neglected dog.
My mother endured a horrific childhood, and never healed from that experience. She had children at the worst stage of her mental health decline, which lead to myself (and possibly my sister) ironically enduring the same traumas. My father, on the other hand, grew up as the golden child of the family. He was the first born, he could do no wrong, he’s the one that always gets things done. He worked 12-16 hour days on a regular basis when my sister and I were growing up. The classic my father traumatized me by not being there and my mother traumatized me by being there situation.
My sister and I miraculously grew up to be somewhat “successful” people, I guess you could say. My sister is an artist with her own business and she travels around the USA with her husband. I guess my “success” is that I’m able to barely afford living on my own as a 23 year old in Southern CA. It’s hard. But because of that, they now see themselves as great parents. I let them believe what they like because I know my truth, and they’ll always see things differently to how they were.
So, my question. Am I a bad person? Is that why people are distanced from me? How do I fix it?
Lately I have been getting repressed memories coming back to me. I’m part of a discord support group for an uncommon kink (add to the list of reasons to hate myself) and while my traumas are the reason I have that interest, the support group I’m a part of tends to be very lighthearted. If anyone posts things that are heavy, most people just respond with a single emoji or a “dang, that’s rough buddy.” So I turn to a friend from that group who is kind enough to listen, but lately they’ve been a bit rude in response to me. I’ll be proud of myself for finally having energy to clean my room, and they’ll say “have fun being manic!” So, that’s lead me to stop opening myself up to protect me from being hurt by them.
Then, I turn to my boyfriend or my sister. My sister is so kind, and always willing to listen and grieve our childhood with me, but she is very busy. Of course I understand she’s busy, but sometimes if I feel overwhelmed, I want to just know I can call someone and they’ll be there. My boyfriend is sometimes so helpful, but other times, he seems so annoyed that I’m not well. Last night, he showed me a dumb meme, and I don’t know what happened I just got some memory that was triggered by the caption, and I panicked.
I was frozen in place, and I just started breathing heavily and apologizing profusely, over and over. He was there, being kind enough to let me cry and eventually lean on him, but I could tell he was frustrated that he had to sit around with me while I spiraled. That lead me to get weird and push him away, and then he agreed eventually. I know that was a toxic move to push him away and wish he’d come back and want to help me, but at the same time, I don’t think I would have ever felt comfortable with the feeling that he’d rather be anywhere else.
What can I do to just handle these things on my own? I’m seeing a therapist, I’m going to the gym, I’m trying to drink water, eat healthy, get sleep, read philosophy and self help, etc.
I just hate being a burden to my loved ones, and I want to get over my childhood crap and stop whining about it so much.