I wish no one found me attractive anymore
I was subjected to severe and gross sexual harassment since the age of 11.
It's obvious that I don't enjoy the harassment, but I grow to be completely disgusted by any man that acts slightly friendly towards me. I feel like 'they're nice now, but they'll do something later'. And the worst part is I have been proven right so many times..
I was "hit on" by staff AND students at a school i worked at, I was tricked to go on a date with a supervisor i had, was assaulted by a bf, an uncle, and a friend! I was repeatedly harassed in public transports, cafes, gyms, classes, and streets. I was made uncomfortable in my own home by relatives, guests, delivery drivers, real estate agents, plumbers...the list goes on and on.
I started to fantasize about mutilating my face and body, maybe if I didn't look the way I did they'll stop, but that thought was quickly proving wrong when I was harassed leaving the ER limping, covered in vomit, and crying in pain by a taxi driver who thought I "looked beautiful" and won't let me leave until I agreed to give out my number!
It seems like no matter where I am, how I look, who I'm with and what we're doing...I WILL get harassed or assaulted.
I don't know how navigate this growing feeling, this depressing feeling, that I'm destined to be re-victimized until I die. I just wish no one founds me attractive anymore.