I doubt you even look at this Subreddit. But I can’t contact you anymore, I shouldn’t and I won’t let myself so here’s something to get the thoughts out.
I listened to your voicemail, and it broke my heart all over again. Hearing the warmth in your voice as you reminisced about us, and then hearing you choke on your own tears. I couldn’t take it.
And yet I listened to it over and over, because even though I’m the one who broke things off I guess a part of me doesn’t want to start moving on yet. Actually, fuck that- Most of me, if not all of me wants nothing more than to pick up the phone and call you again.
But I can’t. And it’s not because you were too much, God no. Your stupidly cute smile, your charming laugh, your nerdy interests and your wonderful devotion. I miss your touch, the feeling of your lips against mine, your mouth and your hands, the stare you gave me filled with both desire and deep love when I gazed into them.
The flaws like the anger, the poetic jealousy and borderline obsession, the anxiety. The volatile emotions scared me sometimes, but I understood why you felt that way, and it was a part of you that I both feared and found to be gorgeous too. Even despite knowing it wasn’t healthy for either of us.
You said you’re broken when I was leaving, but you’re just human and deeply scarred. And I meant it when I said you were just as worthy for finding love as anyone else. I just couldn’t give my hand to let you hold while you slowly made the journey to healing.
I was the one who wasn’t enough.
I cracked under pressure. I made a bunch of promises I thought I could keep, and when shit hit the fan I ripped it straight off the ceiling instead of cleaning the mess. I lied to you. Not intentionally, but I still lied and I’m sorry I couldn’t prove your anxiety wrong.
It’s the best decision, I think, to keep going seperate ways.
I’m going away for so long, and we’re so young. If we are meant to be in each other’s lives, something will reunite us on its own when we’re older. I’ll be listening to your favorite artist still, so maybe at a concert by chance, or a connecting flight on the way back will be how we reunite.
But please don’t reach out anymore. No more voicemails, no emails, no texts.
Just move on from me as soon as you can, okay? You deserve someone who will love you, and will have the time to love you right.
Goodnight C. I wish you nothing but the best.