I truly don’t think I’ve ever been so low. About two years ago I lost my job which destroyed my self esteem and while it was likely in part due to PMDD, it worsened my symptoms and made things so much worse at home. Fast forward to now, I’ve lost my job two more times. One job was a nonprofit that had very high turnover and was pretty toxic. The other closed after I was just promoted and thought I was starting my dream job, only to find my former boss was stealing money and it became a pretty traumatic experience. This happened in January and I’ve since only found part time shift work because I live in an area with a terrible job market.
Along with all of this, I became a nightmare to be around during luteal, then spent the days leading up to ovulation having massive panic attacks where I couldn’t eat or function for days. Most of the panic attacks revolved around my relationship and started because I’d feel anxious about how we’d almost break up when I was in luteal, or that I had a thought like one of the following and would just spiral out of control: “what if he isn’t the one,” “maybe this isn’t the right relationship” “maybe because I said that while in luteal I meant it”
I started realizing I think a lot of the thought patterns and intrusive thoughts I was having was my OCD manifesting as rOCD, and that almost breaking up felt like a compulsion. After months of having almost breakup talks and unbearable anxiety, I broke up with my partner of 9 years. I blacked out for most of the conversation because I was so panicked and it felt like I was caving to a compulsion. This was one month ago and I have regretted it every single day. He is the most kind, thoughtful, intelligent, caring person and handled my shift in moods so well. He was my best friend and I feel like PMDD ruined the relationship. All I want is to have him back and he’s decided that he’s done with the relationship, specifically because he feels like the trust has been broken because of all of the almost breakups. He is the only person I have ever dated and we’ve been together my entire adult life. In two months I turn 30, and he won’t be there to celebrate with me.
I started taking Zoloft and rexulti about two months ago and I haven’t been experiencing nearly the same level of anger and sadness that I have for years and was trying to hold out to hopefully keep improving with dose changes. Instead, I let the anxiety put the final nail in the coffin of my relationship in the meantime.
In addition to losing my partner, I’ll be losing my apartment in a few weeks and can’t find affordable housing to move into. I’m considering moving but haven’t found job opportunities elsewhere yet, and he will also likely be taking our dog since it’s difficult to find pet friendly housing at the budget I have which is crushing me. We also shared a friend group that’s mainly only seeing him because they knew him first, and while I have some friends here I feel lonelier than ever.
If anyone has any words of wisdom, tips for self improvement, or anything I would greatly appreciate it. I am trying to take things day by day but it feels like there is so much stress and pressure making it almost impossible to move forward.