Hello all,
I don't really know where to start... This is going to be long, so thank you for bearing with me.
I've been in a really bad place recently. I'm in my late twenties, I've recently finished a masters degree, I have been unemployed and looking for a job for over a year, and in the last two years I've had to move nearly eight times, and was nearly homeless twice, after my landlord illegally evicted me, and then a fire destroyed my subsequent apartment.
I've just had to move countries to move back in with my mom, and things are going really badly. I love my mom a lot, but we both have a lot of trauma from living with my abusive father for 20+ years, and neither of us regulate our emotions well.
Which brings me to my best friend: we were roommates in college, and although we only lived together for a year and a half, we became very close, and we have kept in regular contact for the last six years. She has been through a lot, and I would never want to cause her pain.
That being said, my response to not doing well is to withdraw and become avoidant. I'm normally very communicative, but when I feel like this, the idea of talking to someone feels oppressively overwhelming. The problem is, I am her only friend. She also doesn't have any family she is close with, and she is also struggling right now. Maybe it's selfish and cowardly, but for some time now, I've just felt really burdened with her friendship. She is too effusive and affectionate and always wants to talk, and the harder she clings to me, the more annoyed and oppressed I feel.
There have also been a few other issues that have come up over the last year or so leading up to this that made me feel uncomfortable with her. I don't really want to go into detail, but I feel as though she's sort of put me on a pedestal and created a projection of my character that isn't really me, which makes me feel even more pressure.
I'm feeling really awful rn; self-destructive. And for some reason, the only thing that feels like it would give me any relief (that wouldn't be harmful to myself) is blocking her and never talking to her again.
Has anyone ever felt this way? What should I do?