AITAH? Am I unreasonable for wanting a house separate from my husband’s family property?
My husband and I are at a bit of a crossroads over housing, and I’m curious to hear outside perspectives, especially from people in multicultural marriages or from cultures where multigenerational living is more common.
For context, I’m American and we live in Asia. We currently rent. We both have stable jobs, a solid combined income, and financially buying a home is realistic for us. Early on in the relationship, I always talked about wanting to eventually buy a house together as a married couple. Originally I pictured something a bit closer to the city, but over time I became more flexible because of his work situation and wanting him to stay close to his parents/community.
The issue is that he seems to have a really hard time emotionally separating from the family unit. His family owns property about 10 minutes away from where we currently live, and there are already two houses on it with extra space available. His compromise idea was building a house on the family property so we’d still have “our own house” while remaining close to everyone.
I know for some people this sounds ideal, but for me it really doesn’t feel like the same thing. I want a home that is fully ours, separate from family land, where we can build our own identity and life as a couple. I don’t dislike his family at all, and this isn’t about conflict, money, or me thinking anyone is trying to control us. It’s more about independence and wanting a space that psychologically feels like “our home” rather than an extension of the family compound.
On his side, I also genuinely understand where he’s coming from. He grew up in a family/community where staying very interconnected after marriage is normal, and living close together is seen as supportive rather than intrusive. I don’t think he’s trying to be selfish or manipulative. I honestly think he sees his proposal as a fair middle ground.
What’s hard for me is that this never really came up as a major incompatibility before marriage. I had talked for years about wanting to buy our own place someday, so I was pretty caught off guard by how firm his stance is now that it’s becoming real.
I also feel like I’ve already compromised quite a bit in other areas of our relationship, so emotionally this feels like the one thing I’m struggling to let go of.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting a completely separate home? Has anyone else navigated this kind of cultural/family expectation mismatch successfully?