Help with decisions [HOGD]
Hello, This is a venting post, So please, Be kind. I'll start this saying i'm not a fluent english speaker, And that the GD lineage i participate is from my country.
I've discussed this in other reddits, But i still think i need help with this decision. I've talked to friends, Had a tarot reading, Thought a lot about it myself, But i'm still a bit nervous to do it.
I didn't even do my probatory self initiation, And i feel like i won't either. I joined them after +10 years of reading and practice [Of course, I started young, Around 9, And stopped many times between those years, So that time is not a big thing] and i wanted to learn with more people and be helped through this walk after all these years in solitary magick.
When i entered, I was promised many things, And hoped it would be the right place. One thing that i was clear in my admittance letter, Was my utmost desire to not learn anything related to christianity or similar religions [Sorry, Dont feel comfortable with it]. I guess you all can imagine how i felt when they shoved books and texts about Kabbalah, Caballah and Qabalah for us..
I know most cerimonial magic in the west has plenty to do with it. But i dont want to learn it, I dont want to vibrate these names, I do not want to banish everything out, I do not want to speak like a robot in their group, And i most certainly dont want to keep spending all this time and money in things that i don't think are valid to me.
But still.. What if i'm actually being stubborn and could learn to like it if i try? What if it takes me higher on my practice? What if this actually opens big doors for me in the future? And so it goes...
I've had some other problems with them [The Leader answering my probationist notes with ChatGPT, People saying magick is either good or evil no in between, The Leader ignoring my notes for 2 whole weeks.. things like that.] but i still think i could manage something out of this... Experience.. i guess.
So what do you say? Anyone with experience in Qabalah or HOGD here to talk about it? Should i keep pushing past all the dificculties and remain in the GD? Should i make an effort and ignore my discomfort to learn Qabalah? Should i just drop out and perhaps lose something important? I still live with my grandparents, Religious people, that is, And i also have to hide all of this from them.