I have a tendency to frequently use “X as Y happens” I want to learn how to reduce it.
This is an excerpt from one of my pieces, and before you gather pitchforks I’m in the 8th grade, so my writing may not be the best.
A wave of unease breaches the shore of my mind while the cylinder tube elevates me to an unknown world.
I conceal my eyes away from perspective, as a looming heat glistens on my skin; the heat is so intense I swear the sun has weight. A barrage of unpleasant ideas scatter throughout my mind, all of them resulting in certain death. My eyes slowly release its tenacious grip as a tender breeze refreshes me. My feet shuffle in awe as I gaze further into the sky. The Sun bleeds what I can only describe as a veil of yellow and crimson hues, the Sun itself tinted into a lavish red. The rhythmic beats of the canon initiate, rousing me from the comfort I’d found.
I’m aware certain phrases may be awkward, it’s an early draft.
Context is the beginning of the Hunger Games.
I’d classify this as fan-fiction? It’s a make a tribute assignment.